A sense of guilt

I'll be missing my Godfather's services this weekend. Not by choice. Obviously. I feel guilty about it. I feel like people are going to be saying "I can't believe Stephanie didn't come to her Nino's services". I've already been told to change my starts date for my new job so I can go. Ok, how horrible will that look. They've already moved back my training an extra week. It just sucks  I think about him all day but just keep it to myself. Some people take death different then other's. I do mourn, I do cry. We are not all built the same. Some see it as "it's life, he's gone, move one". I can't. I just can't. It sucks getting older. As a kid you don't really get death. Then you get older and older and you know more and more people and then they just start dying off. I wish I was younger or a bit more numb. But I'm not. I have feelings and emotions and sorry if I express them in a way that certain people don't agree with. I know I shouldn't feel guilty missing his services. I had spoken to him about my complications about finding a new job. So I know he understand why I can't be there. I'll say my good-bye's Sunday night and Monday night. I'll pretend I am in there spirit. Maybe I am judging myself too much. Who knows.

No matter how healthy you are, Cancer doesn't care

I am kinda numb right now. Or am I just accepting it all? I don't know what this feeling is. My Nino is lying in a coma dying of Cancer. It's almost like I'm just waiting for that phone call to tell me he's passed. I hope he isn't suffering. Do people feel things in a coma? Can he feel all the pain of his organs just failing him? I hope not. I really, really, really hope he isn't feeling any pain. I like to think that he is dreaming! Dreaming of the fun times he had while in the ARMY. Dreaming of how good he must have felt when he helped someone feel better after they left the pharmacy where he worked all his life. That makes me feel better I guess. I am also at peace that I said my good bye's to him in person back in September. And I also spoke to him for a long time on his birthday! He talked about sending my son Christmas gifts and asked what he was into. I told him he needed to concentrate on getting better instead of gifts! He doesn't deserve this. Actually, no one deserves Cancer. NO ONE! Especially children. It just breaks my heart! My Nino is a good man. Those that know him know he didn't consume alcohol nor even smoked cigarettes. He was tall and healthy! Then this horrible disease just ate him up inside. And now my grandpa. My grandpa is tough man. Always has been and still is! This is a man that brought all his kids from Mexico (only 2 born here) and lived in a 1 bedroom house on top of a hill in East L.A. 10 people total! He worked his ass off to make ends meet! He never felt sorry for you. You needed to suck it up and keep on trucking! For as long as I can remember, he delivered tortillas to my dad's work and my dad would sell them at his butcher shop. El Dorado tortillas! The best ever! I always joke that my son loves him a lot cause they have the same grumpy personality LOL! I have pics of when my son was only 6 weeks old and I took him to visit my grandpa and grandma and my grandpa would not let anyone else hold him! He just kept saying "esta agusto, dejen me lo" (he's comfortable, leave him to me). And sure enough, in all the pics, my son is asleep in my grandpa's arms. Even now when we visit, my son sits on his lap and just chills. I love it and I hope my grandpa can stay with us longer! My grandpa did drink and smoke. I'm not going to judge him for that or anyone else that does. Could that have been the cause of his cancer? Who knows! Look at my Nino ! Healthy all his life! As a matter of fact, my grandpa had his cancer before my Nino did and my grandpa is still walking, driving, and doing his thing. It doesn't chose if it's going to hit you because of your lifestyle. It doesn't chose you if you were a bad kid or a bad student. It just chooses whoever the fuck it wants. But wow. I just can't even breathe right. I have this knot in my chest. Like I want to scream and punch something. Why? I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I need to be strong for my parents and my kids cause it's not fair to them. But this is some fucked up shit. And I mean fucked up.