I write about NicholasG a lot. he's a fun kid to write about. He's totally different from any other 8 year old I know. He's tough and I have a tough time being his mom. I say it often, that I totally suck at this job. My son has no respect for me. Whatsoever. It doesn't matter who talks to him, lecture's him, scolds him, he is his own damn person and he literally gives no fucks. He has a very strong personality. Very sarcastic. And the kid cannot be wrong. He whines every single day of his life. He is very chiquiado and has mamitis sometimes too.
I've written before about how I feel that I've failed as a parent. Today it was made clear to me by someone that I was. I was talking to one of our on duty police officers here at work. We occasionally talk about guns, shooting, self-defense tips. Today I vented about my son's smart mouth. See, Nick is allowed to have the ipad AFTER 6:00 p.m. Once all homework is done, dinner is done, whatever. I wake up today and find him on the ipad at 6:20 am. I told him he was trippin'! His reply was "well it's after 6 mom!" Yes, but not 6:00 p.m! He knows better and he knew he was wrong, but he just had to get his jab at me. The officer laughed and said "reminds me of someone I know". Meaning me. Cause I'm such a smart-ass at work and with people I'm cool with. BUT when it comes to my kid, I have this mental block that he can't be a smart-ass. He has to do everything right and everything by the book. And that's just not reality. He's his own kid. He's his own person. And like Monster always says to me, we need to guide them to be the best they can be. Not what WE want them to be. And I have such a hard time doing that. I'm such a strict, stuck up mom. I need him to follow the rules. If he breaks one, I act like such a bitch.
As I write this, I'm chocking up. I'm sad. I'm sad that I have failed at being a good mom. I'm sad that my son told me today "If I'm less grumpy, will you be nicer to me?". OMG, that fucked me up. I teared up and said "Yes Nick. We need to have a better relationship. You're all I have in this life. You can't be such a cry baby all the time and have attitude". But here I am, showing him what attitude is. I want to change so bad. I don't want to mentally scar my son. I don't want him to be disrespectful to women or anyone for that matter. And the officer told me it's the little things. He said what he did was, sit on the floor or the kitchen table and really listened to his kids read. He told me to try that. Which normally when Nick reads, I'm cooking and just going "ah ha...cool...no way". But I'm not REALLY listening. I need to take time to SIT with him and listen. Listen to his sweet little voice read through a book so quick cause he's so smart! I need to have him help me in the kitchen more, and do more chores. Today after work I plan to go to those self-car wash places and have him help me. I gotta do "boy" stuff with him too since I have him more then his father does. Even if it's small things, I gotta make changes if my son is going to change. Our relationship is tense right now. Yes we still cuddle when we watch a movie, and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll occasionally let him sneak into my bed. Yes I still smell his head after every shower he takes, and I still force kisses on him before I drop him off at school. But I'm not being the best mom I can be. I'm mean. He said it. I yell too much. And for this, I am so, so sorry. I love my son more then my own life. And writing this blog in tears makes me realize that if I don't change now, TODAY, I'm going to fuck up my kid. I won't allow it. And I've come to realize that no one can help me. Everyone has different advice. "Beat him, ignore him, punish him, take that away, ground him..." But at the end of the day, I gotta figure this shit out on my own. I'm sorry kid. I'll do better.
