Sometimes it is hard to "mother".

We have all had our day's as mother's where you JUST CAN'T! And of course some feel guilty about feeling this way or thinking this way, so leave it up to me to tell you, "you are not alone"! 

Recently the love of my life, the fuel to my soul, the mint to my chocolate chips has been a little mouthy. More then usual. Homie acts like he can talk to me like a damn 18 year old talking to his friend's! I have tried to talk to him, yell at him, take shit away, spank his nalgas with a chancla, but to no avail, my NicholasG gives no fucks! 

Yesterday was a hard one for me. He just kept whining and making dog noises and growling. Like being weird and random as fuck. Yes I know what you are saying if you personally know me, "he is just like you Steph". YES but modified to like 100! So anyway, I had had enough! I was at witt's end and after I raised my voice to a level psycho, I told him, "I need to walk away from you for a bit" and I did. I locked myself in my bathroom and took a few deep breaths. I even sagged myself to try to calm the fuck down. I didn't want to spank him or even acknowledge his behavior further. I texted some of my closets girlfriends to assist me and also spoke to Pancha. She has 2 boys and she has known NicholasG his entire life. So she calmed me down and told me to ignore it, stop yelling and just let it go. So anyway, I come out of the restroom after psycho level went down to stressed out mom level and this little nugget is cleaning his room, picking up all his clothes, hanging everything up, arraigning his shoes! Hijo de su chingada madre!!! He totally knew how to smooth things over with me. He knew that he fucked up and how I hate seeing his room messy, so he did what he knew best: Make Mom happy again! And I couldn't help but be grateful for him understanding. So he gets to bed, no big deal. I waited until this morning to calmly talk to him. I told him how we are not even promised the next 5 mins of our lives! How we need to be kind with each other and the one person he needs to respect the most is his mother! I kissed his stinky head, wished him an amazing day, rubbed some essential oils on him and told him I would see him later.

See, we are allowed to lose our shit every now and then. And it is perfectly OK! No one is perfect. You are not perfect! Stop trying to follow these charts about development and behavior and what is right for their age. Cause I am telling you right fucking now, EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT!!! Every single 8 year old is differnet from the next. We gotta stop stressing about our kids being perfect. I need to tell myself this every single day. Not every kids makes up Michael Jackson outfits out of his closet clothes. They are all special little shits and all we gotta do is love them, accept them and learn from them. 

Ms. Independent

Now this isn't one of those "I'm totally single and hating men" blogs. It is more of a realization kinda blog. Where I have realized so much since my last relationship ended. I realized that I wasn't really "doing me". I was doing everything possible to make everyone around me happy and not really doing what made me happy. I've wanted happiness so much that I've felt that I always have to be in a relationship. I take a few weeks or months off and there I go, looking for heartbreak all over again. I look for that companionship. I look for attention and for comfort. And clearly, it has been with the wrong people. But that's what life is about right? To learn from your mistakes. So here I am, single, adulting, being more of a mother. I've always been a mother of course. I have my son almost 100% full time. BUT could I have been a better mother in the past? Absofuckenlutley. Am I making up for what I feel is lost time? Totally! Now, the last relationship I was in, we actually involved our kids a lot. They had it good. We kept busy. BUT my attention was else where. I wanted to be in this relationship so bad that I can see it now how I was giving my son less attention. I was on the phone a lot, texting, tagging on social media. And for that I am totally sorry. I'm glad I went through those things cause now I see how much of an assholoe I've been the past few years as a technically "single mom".
The past 5 months have been the SHIT for #NicholasG and I. We have been to California 2x, Arizona the same. We do stuff almost every single chance we get. We go hiking, out for sushi, swimming, shopping, family events. We have a ton of movie nights. Usually shoot for 1x a week where we eat like shit, have popcorn and cuddle on the couch. He goes to Crossfit with me and participates. We are such a great team. We sleep in when we can and we don't have to make set plans if we don't want too. We cancel when we want and do our own thing. When I don't have him, I do what I want, when I want it and with who. And if I seriously want to be 100% alone on a day that I can, you best believe I cancel whatever the fuck I want. I don't feel guilty either. Cause why should I? And I know some of you might be all chingonas and say "I've always done that. I always do me". Well good for fucking you! I wish I had the balls and the independence that I have now and that I am practicing. I didn't have this in the past. I didn't know how to say No to others and Yes to me. I didn't know how fun it would be to not leave my apartment 1x on my 2 days off. I am seriously enjoying myself. I love being this Independent. I am loving myself more. I practice how to take care of myself and my child more. And now I think that I will have a really hard time giving my attention to another in the far future. I think I am growing a tiny bit selfish with my time. I really think it's going to be hard for me to let someone else in. And for that, I can finally say I am proud of myself.