Cry baby

Lately my mind set has been a little weak. I am used to calling myself a chingona, independent, bad-ass mom that doesn't need anybody! Ms. I can handle it on my own! G-d forbid I ask anyone for help! BUT the past few weeks I have felt myself sinking. More emotional, angrier, frightened. I'm always so mentally tired that all I want to do is sleep! I'm so freaking stressed out right now that even writing this is freaking me out! I can't necessarily point out 1 exact thing because it's legit a few things. One thing that I will mention that is weighing down on me is parenting. It really does get a bit harder as they get older. They get more expensive! My son's tummy is like a dump truck! And he's so skinny but growing so tall! So with that come new shoes, socks, chonies, longer shirts, shorts, etc! It's great! It means he is healthy! But dang! Como comen! Then comes the "I'm gonna test you even more stage". I have always blogged about my life with NicholasG. It's no secret that we have our crazy relationship. He truly is the love of my life! The tajin to my sandia! He is my little roll-dog! My sidekick por vida, aye! So I don't really understand why I have to ask him 2, 3x to do something. And by #3, I'm already screaming! Why do they like to hear us scream? Is it the reaction they get? I swear my kid is laughing when I freak out. It's such a simple task to follow through with. So, like, do it! Or the "why"! Dude, seriously, it's all cute and shit when they are little but at almost 10 years old....bro! Why? Because I said so fool! Or the negotiating. "If I clean my room you will buy me a new toy"...Boy...if you clean your room I'll feed you dinner! No manches! I know I wasn't child of the year but I knew enough to not test my parents as much as he does with me. Brings me to the emotional aspect of this. I cry man! I feel like a failure. What am I doing wrong that the respect from him to me is not there? The kid loves me to death! Wants to cuddle with me all the time and calls me the best Chef in the world! Says I roll better burritos then Chipotle! But he still doesn't take my discipline serious. The typical Mexican in me says "you didn't beat his ass enough". Cause that's how we were right? But no, I've never really kicked his ass. A spank here and there. The cinto a few times but nothing crazy. Typical chanclasos. But I swear nothing has ever fazed him. So how can I get a very stubborn, intelligent, shy, rambunctious, sweet 9 year old to fully respect his mom? The weak part of this is I gotta phone for help now! Coach is great! I feel so bad! The crazy emotional roller coaster that I am currently on (I mentioned there is more, not just my kid) is a lot! I cannot do it on my own! I need help. I need guidance, advice, criticism, jokes, distractions! I am asking for it! I call Coach. I cry and vent and say stupid shit. Then I complain about how much I hate Vegas and then from there I'll vent about my skin or something out of the blue. All I hear on the other end is support. It's a good feeling to have. I think what I am going through as a growing human being is normal. I don't think many people, especially Super Mom's that want to do it all on their own really speak out about how hard it is. Work, relationships, kids, school, bills, food! We all want everyone on instagram and facebook to see us as perfect moms that have it all together. It's ok to admit that you lock yourself in your room, closet, restroom, car, wherever it may be to just get one good scream! And if you haven't done it before you should try. It's kinda liberating! And then find that support. That one person that won't judge you. And just let it all out! Feel vulnerable. Because let me tell you something! I still feel a bit weak that I have been crying out for help lately. But I also feel like a real human with a heart that needs a 20 second hug from time to time! I feel a sense of relief when I can say what I feel like 100% at that moment. Then after I gather myself and my thoughts and take a few deep breaths, I put on my big girl chonies and I keep moving forward. As a mom, a girlfriend, a co-worker and friend. I have to remind myself that the person down the street may have it 10x worse.