My brain doesn't like my body.

Recently I had a conversation where I spoke about the self-harm I cause to myself. Not anything life threatening. Just small things that I don't think are a big deal. But to others it might be. I spoke about my body. No matter how much I preach to be positive and to love yourself, I am the most insecure person ever. I have spoken about my rosacea, my saggy boobs, my cellulite. And I write about how I own it. But clearly I don't! I hate my body. I do. I think I truly have body dysmorphia. I had actually forgotten about something I went through in elementary school. I would always throw up. Before a test, a drill team competition, a field trip. I would just puke! My parents took me to many doctors and they ran so many tests! They finally told my parents I was just a nervous kid and I was doing it on purpose. Childhood bulimia! I 100% forgot that my parents made me see the school psychologist. It wasn't until recently that my co-worker said something and a picture flashed in my head of me on a couch with this old lady. She was wearing a brown suit with a white bow-tie looking thing. She was asking me why I liked throwing up. Fast forward to me now at almost 35 years old and I find myself puking in the same way I did when I was 7 years old. I fight with my BF, I puke. I get mad at my kid, I puke. I have a hard day at work, I go home and puke. I eat! trust me, I eat a lot. I don't throw up my food! Most of the time it's bile. TMI. But it's true! I feel better. I feel a sense of relief. And if I don't puke when I am feeling a certain way, I truly feel uncomfortable. I will honestly get up and puke just to feel relief. I know it is not OK and I know that's why I have an ulcer and heartburn every single day! I wish I can grow out of it but I have been this way for almost 30 years. I have spoke to 3 shrinks in my life. I always think things will change and clearly they have not. I also asked myself something recently. Do I get tattoos to cover my body parts that I hate? My thighs, my stomach the cellulite and stretch marks? I stared at myself in the mirror recently and was looking over my body trying to figure out what I want to cover up next. I was grossed out by my stretch marks I found behind my thigh near my ass. Literally grossed the fuck out! And I love the feeling of getting tatted. It is very therapeutic for me. Is that because I know the defects in my body are being covered up? I have been getting tattooed since I was 18 and have a combined 35 tattoos and I have never thought about this until now. It made me sad. So sad! I'm such a liar to my family and friends because I preach positive energy and love. And here I am, my own worst enemy. I have such a good BF that tells me I am sexy almost everyday. Calls me beautiful in my morning texts. Says he is a lucky man. And I ask him each and every time when I put on a new outfit, "do I look fat?". And each and every time he says no. Yet I think to myself "he's just being nice". I have a hard time believing in myself, loving myself, and owning my shit. I can't say I will feel better after I am done with this rant. But I can at least admit to myself that I know I have a problem. I know I am not being nice to my body and soul. I know someone down the street wishes they had what I have. I know I need to be more grateful that I am so lucky in life! Slowly but surely. I always figure it out. I'll be good!