Not really a rant. Just some catch up!

I just stared at the 'post title' section for a minute. I hate coming up with blog titles. I just told myself to write and it'll come to me later.

So, hello!! I haven't been around for a few months. I suck. I seem to only write when I'm in a funk. Instead of being super excited to blog on the daily.  I can't say I'll try to write daily...we'll start with...2x a month! Ugh. Even that commitment seems like a pain in the ass. Anyway, I'll fucken try!

Let's see, Nicholas is doing good. Has 2 loose teeth. Very tall kid. Super skinny! He's in a cub Scouts now. We'll see how he enjoys it. I'm positive that it'll be great for him!  His big passion these days is the band KISS. Like he is legit obsessed! Check out my YouTube page: stephpad and you can see his videos. Sorry..too lazy to actually attach a link. Eh. :-)
My girl VOR had her baby!!!! She is the cutest baby girl ever! She's amazing! I saw her be born and it totally made my cold black heart shed a tear. Seeing my friend in that pain killed me. I felt SO BAD for her. She was in labor for 28 hrs! I was there for 15 hrs of it. So nuts! Nighthawk was there too. And VORs hubby. Craziest experience ever!
So within the last couple of months I've actually been dating. Dating is hard man. Shit takes work! One of my major problems is that I REALLY like my alone time. Like, I flake a lot on people cause I rather be home alone watching Netflix or reading a book or watching the Discovery Channel. I'm just so lazy on the wknds. Especially cause I work! And sometimes people don't get that. I've also had Nick a lot on the wknds. I decide to take him cause we'll have things to do. So I'm busy too you know. I'm just not good at dating. I did get SUPER attached to one fella'! We shall call him UK! I should have known from the get go that I was the 'rebound girl'. Total fail on my part. But he made me think I was special, different. I believed it. All of it. I totally let my guard down. I'm still pissed at myself for it. I miss the dude though. Which is maybe why I'm still pissed at myself. He was cool as shit. But what are you gonna do?!
I've decided I'm going to avoid all conversations with males that I know are up to no good.  No talking to single men! Need at least 3-6 months to heal! To grow some balls! And to think like a man and learn to not give a shit or get emotions involved so soon. Gonna come out stronger!
What else? I got a few new tattoos. I got a Day of the Dead skull chick on my left thigh. Got the word 'lover' in my inner left arm. And got 'three little birds' on my right shoulder. Bob Marley! My parents hate me for my tattoo lol! But I'm addicted!
I went on a helicopter tour today to the Grand Canyon. It was AHHHMAZING! I'm very grateful for the experience! The 'company' was super random. But it wasn't weird at all. We got along well. No emotions. That's a good sign.
Digging tons of new music this year. A lot thanks to UK and also to our new rad music at work. Like one band that is currently playing on my phone 'milky chance'. They are so fun! Obsessing over Griffin House too. Joshua Radin is great too! All very chill music.
Well I will be visiting the family this wknd in Cali. My little cousin Michelle is getting married. We haven't all been together since my Apa's funeral. So this will be very nice! I've been working out pretty hard. So I hope I look good! Ay si!!

I'm pretty exhausted! Took 2 melatonin! Hoping to get some shut eye! Good night!

At this moment

My son has been reading his new book 'The Lego Movie. The official movie handbook'.  Hearing him read is like music to my ears. He's been at it for over 20 minutes. Very little do I help him. I've helped him with words like 'disguise, normalcy, prophecy'. Other then that, the kid is just zooming through this book. He makes me so proud. He graduated kinder reading at a Level 9 and tested with knowing 490 words. I'm a proud mama for sure.

He's on vacation now. I hear 'I'm bored' constantly now. We spent 6 hours at the park last week. We got home and he says he is bored. You're kidding me right?! Kids now and days!!

Work has sucked lately. Yesterday was just insane. People are just rude as fuck. People have no respect for anyone in the customer service industry. I wish I can cuss some of these fuckers out. Especially grown ass men. I want to tell them, 'do you have a daughter? Would you ever allow a man to speak to your daughter the way you speak to me?' But of course I can't do that cause I'll lose my fucken job. Just a piece of advice. Sometimes when you're at the store and they are taking long to check you out, just stop and think 'maybe their computers are slow. Maybe they are short staffed'. Judy be patient cause you truly have NO idea what we deal with.

Love life is still retarded. Since the new year, I've dated 2 men. One was just wayyyyyy toooooo nice and too clingy. I am so used to being alone and just my kid that when someone wants to be a part of that, I just can't handle it. That's gonna take time. The other dude was a fake. I thought it was going to be a good long run. But when he goes days without picking up a phone to call me, I have an issue with that. I was such a fool for that one. I'm sure he had a side piece. Or I was his side piece. Either way, I walked away from that quick. I have been in contact with my 'friend' again. My 2 year friend. I had tried to ignore him for a few months but here I am again. I just love his friendship. We have a bond that I can't explain. He will always be a huge part of me. But anything beyond a friendship that involve drinks sometimes is just a fabrication in my own head. It's too bad.

I'll be visiting the family soon. I can't wait. It's been a long time since my brother, sister, parents and the kids have been together. I always enjoy the food and the cocktails. We play a lot of board games, music. Hope none of us fight.

My BFF is pregnant! Another little girl coming into our lives. Nick is super excited. He has now asked me to have a baby!!! I almost had a heart attack. I told him I'm done with babies. He got sad. He doesn't realize that mommy can't even keep a boyfriend hahaha.

Ok he is yawning now. Time to go Mimis.

Peace

A wk before my 2 yr Anniversary

Today is exactly a week and a year before I've been single for 2 years. At the moment I'm on my second glass of Whiskey and coke. I've ate out of Tupperware. I have Ellie Goulding, Lana Del Rey, Juan Gabriel, Pepe Aguilar & Save Ferris on shuffle. I am finally in my own apartment. It took me a year and 8 months to get here. I am BEYOND grateful for my Tia, Tio and cousins for putting up with me for so long. Sometimes, family can be so amazing. I owe my Tia a lot. Nick and I are happy in our own place. It's so quiet and peaceful. We bond a lot. I try to keep him busy. I kick his ass on mortal Kombat and Sonic the Hedge Hog. We do redbox a lot. We go to dinner or lunch dates. Its been good. I can't say that I have a whole lot to prove in a year. I mean I still have a job. We are healthy, he has only had 1 seizure this year. We aren't poor. I can afford raspados de vanilla every now and then. It's good. Nick is amazing at reading. He is almost done with the First grade word list. He's so tall and just so so handsome!!! I get flowers picked for me very often. From the sidewalks, from leaving school. He's still grumpy and a smart ass. But he's my little man. He is soooo funny! He seems to be proud of me. He tells me he loves me everyday. He says 'oh, we forgot to hug' almost every single day when we get home. So I HAVE to stop whatever it is I'm doing and hug him for almost 2 mins straight. No words, no talking. Just deep breaths and hugs.
I was supposed to talk about my accomplishments as a single mom and all I can talk about is my son.
He is my accomplishment. He's all I can talk about, all the time. It doesn't matter where I live, what we eat, where we go. He is just so proud to be my son, and me his mom. I was meant to be his mom. I don't know what it means or what he will be when he grows up but for now I am very proud.

I still have a great job and my same circle of friends. Literally. All you bitches are lucky. I don't 'add' new friends on social networking places 'just because'! If we haven't talked in over a year, we probably ain't going to.

I'm very content with my life. I can LITERALLY do anything I want when I want....2x a week. I like a few people I work with. I am still content with visiting California and Arizona 2-3x a year. I'm good yo'! I may not have a man and I may have my lonely nights. But gosh fucken damnit it is the SHIT watching and doing what you want when you are ridin' solo!

I will never settle.

I will forever be a mother first.

Benign Rolandic Epilepsy: 1 year later

Today marks 1 year that my Nicholas suffered his first major seizure. I still think of it as if it was just yesterday. I remember me putting him to bed. He was wearing his 'Cars' pajamas. I went to bed after 10pm, closer to 11pm. I laid down and I felt him tap me on my right shoulder. We lived with my Tia at the time so we shared a room. Anyway, so he keeps tapping me and I said 'Go to bed mijo' and he mumbled so I thought he was sleep talking (he does it often) but then it sounded like he was chocking. So I turned the light on on my phone and I look at his face and his little left hand is up in the air twitching, and he's drooling and he is staring into space. Not even the light on my phone bothered him. I kept saying "Nick, Nick!" I jumped up, turned the lights on and called 911. I screamed for my Tia but she didn't hear me. I'm on the phone with operator and my cousin Diana says 'Mom halgo paso' and my Tia and Tio come running down. I instantly tell the 911 operator that my son is having a seizure. She asked if he's had one before and I said no. She asked if he had bumped his head, I said no. At this time, my Tio is trying to keep Nick  from biting his tongue. I give Diana the phone and I have her call Daniel. I still have the operator on the phone. I'm screaming at her saying 'Where is the ambulance' she's trying to calm me down. I leave Nick for 20-30 seconds to run to the front yard to check for the ambulance. I SCREAM 'Where the fuck are they?' then I see the lights and Diana screams back to me that they are coming. I run back into the house and my Tia kinda hold me back a bit. The paramedic runs past me and they wouldn't let me in the room. They carry him out and I grab his Cowboys blanket. I insisted he takes it. I jump in the back of the ambulance and I call his dad. He was already on his way to the hospital. Nick was SO out of it. Like he knew who I was but he couldn't talk. He was all zoned out. They told him to raise his arms like Superman, and he couldn't lift his left arm or foot. His face was paralyzed too, on the left. It was weird as fuck! Tia followed me to the hospital. It was chaos. My brain was everywhere. He went through so much testing. MRI, CT Scan, EEG, EKG. They had to rule out a Stroke. On a 5 yr old! It was crazy.

I run that story in my head but I've never sat down to write it. I am grateful that Nick has only had 1 major seizure. He'll get Petit Mal Seizures from time to time. Last like 15-30 seconds. His medication keeps them controlled. He see's a Neuro 4x a year. His regular doc the same. He get's EEG's every 10 months now. He takes 4.5 pills a day. As of now, he has to take them until he's 14-16 yrs old.

The main thing I notice is his change in attitude and behavior. Exactly an hour after he takes his meds, he is out of control. He get's what is called 'Keppra Rage'. He get's so hyper. Violent, moody, emotional. It's heartbreaking sometimes and I find myself frustrated. I try to have patience and sometimes I just gotta walk away. Good thing is, he uses his words more now. So we communicate better. I sometimes just hug him and let him be angry. He gets over it quickly. I love him so much.

 I never knew I can love someone so much. I am so proud of him. He is a quick, quick learner. Especially in Spanish class. He comes home singing new songs he learned. I love staring at him when he sleep. He is ridiculously handsome! And the funniest kid I know! His personality is amazing!

I love you Nicholas! Thank you for teaching me how to be a good mom.