Am I failing as a parent?

My NicholasG! My love, heart, soul, the air I breathe! He is my life! Literally! My entire life my entire existence revolves around him. We are always together! I try to stay busy with him on my day's off and when I have him on certain wknds! It helps that Monster has kid's as well! These kids are spoiled! We have something to do almost every single wknd! Anyway, the kid has it all. His own room, game consoles, and he gets to get 1 snack or candy from the grocery store if he's been good! I've cut out so much junk food and processed food from our lives. So it's always a good treat! He's a spoiled kid. He's an only child on my side and his birthday is 4 days before Christmas Eve! The kid is spoiled!

Even as I write this, I'm thinking to myself, "dude you totally have fucked up your kid"! Seriously! Legit just thought that!

But I'm a disciplinary! I check him if he gets out of line. I have taken the ipad way for 2 month's! I've taken away the Xbox. But he doesn't care! It doesn't phase him. It goes over his head quick! I can scold him and lecture him and I stay pissed for like 3 hours and shit! And he's like talking to me after 15, 20 mins tops! As if nothing happened! And he won't ask for his stuff back. He patiently waits until I give it back after 5, 7 day's. Then he acts a fool again! And the foolishness gets more serious each time! Everyone says "he's just testing you...he doesn't fear you..."! Ok, hi! Testing done yet?! Wtf! Like right now he's probably been the most grounded, ever! I'm so ashamed of it that I can't even say what he did. I didn't spank him. I talked to him and I even cried. I even had to call my brother for back up. I again took the electronics away, and all his Godzilla toy's (his fave), I made him write a letter of apology, I emailed his teacher's and asked them to keep him inside for recess the next 2 day's, and he has standards for the next few days as well. But wanna know what hurt him the most? I didn't tuck him in tonight. I always tuck him in. And I smell his hair cause I love his scent. And I always turn the fan on for him cause the kid needs noise to sleep. And I didn't tonight. I always give his booty a little spank before I walk out of his room. Tonight I didn't. I always tell him "don't wake up before my alarm"! Tonight I didn't. He looked so sad. His eye's even got watery. He couldn't believe that I wasn't doing our nightly ritual. I was THAT mad! And I told him "I just can't be nice right now Nick". And he went into his room and turned on his fan, grabbed his Sharkey and put the blankets over his head.

I had a good cry after that. Then I went into his room when I knew he was asleep. I can't go to bed without checking on him. I felt antsy. Anxious. Nervous. He's my LoveBug. And all I want is the best for him. I want him to be a good kid. I want him to be responsible and respectful. How do I fix what I fucked up? How do I get back on track? Yes I have my Monster to help me, and Nick sees his dad. But I still have him more then anyone. I'm still his biggest influence. Did I just fuck up my kid? What am I doing wrong? This job is hard.

Oh rosacea!

So if you know me, like know me know me, you'll know that my face is my BIGGEST insecurity ever! Bigger then my saggy boobs, my non perky butt and my crooked bottom teeth. I can use a push up bra for my boobs, and I can squat more for my ass, and eventually I'll get braces for my teeth. But my face! My face is so hard to hide. Not even the best make-up in the world can help my shit out. To hear co-workers tell me "Oh your face looks so much better today" sometimes makes me feel like shit. Like ugh, they totally notice when I'm not flared up! I hear it from everyone, even my amazing Monster that my face doesn't define me. I get that. BUT when you gotta look at my face on the daily like I do, it really takes a toll on my mentals. I've tried EVERYTHING! From coconut oil pills to Reishi pills, lavender, V6 Oil, oatmeal, honey. Todo! There is one thing that calms my face down. Doesn't clear me up, but calms it down. And that's Primrose. I used to take it all the time. Then I stopped for a while. I had introduced my sister-in-law to it and one day she asked why did I stop. I didn't really have an answer. So I started taking it again. I haven't had a huge flare up since then. I'm always rosey and have permanent blush, but I haven't had that painful feeling I get when I get a flare up. Have you guy's ever felt massive pain in your face? Where you call off of work, or ditch a family party cause you just have so much pain it hurts to even put lotion on? I have, for many years. It is the shittiest feeling ever! Dude, like you can't hide when your face is swollen. You just can't. Everyday I think it might be getting better. Everyday I'm like "Ok, it isn't that red, make-up will be on point today". Then I wake up the next day and it hurts to the touch. Everything I read about it says I'm pretty much fucked until I'm about 50 years old. That the flare ups won't stop. And it says to eliminate this and that and live in a bubble. I've given up so much! Yogurt, Vodka, Tequila, Beer, Spinach, Kale. So much! Something else that has semi helped me is CBD oil. People that are very closed minded would not even give CBD oil a chance. Do your research, then bitch to me about your beliefs. But when I get really swollen, I dab some on my worst parts and it calms down a bit. Will it ever really go away? Who knows. Am I learning to live with it? Barely! Do I like when people point out my face? Fuck no! So my advice to you, if you know someone with rosacea or bad acne or just a skin condition that you know nothing about, it is best to not stare or ask. If we want to talk about it, we will. If there is anyone out there reading this and you know exactly what I'm talking about, try the primrose. It won't cure you 100% but you'll see a difference. One day I'll feel super pretty and legit. As of right now, them filters on my apps work just fine!