My GABA testimonial: From psychopath to a little normalcy.

14 days ago I had one of the worst flip-outs of my life! I did not like the person I was and how I was making others feel. So I made a decision to research natural alternatives to help with my mental breakdowns. I spent hours online going from one self-help website to another. Googling "best vitamins for mental health". A handful of people in my life know that all the screws in my head are not screwed on right. Some people may think I am exaggerating. BUT I am not. I needed help! Still do! The way my brain thinks sometimes is not OK. I think of worst case scenarios. Instead of being happy and letting things flow, I go straight to the negative, I over analyze and over think everything! Even as my BF says, "there is always a logical explanation". And I am over here thinking thee worst! So anyway, during my research I kept seeing people, therapists, YouTube videos, etc., talking about GABA pills (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid). Low levels of GABA can be linked to depression, mood disorders, anxiety. I have all 3 x10 plus like 15 other things! I finally jumped on Amazon and ordered some. I purchased NOW Food brand, 700 mg. Today is day 8 that I have been taking 2 in the morning on an empty stomach and 1 before bed with melatonin. I have to say that so far I am impressed. I actually feel a slight head change when I take them. Even feel a bit buzzed, as if I have had a few beers. But still being able to fully function. I come to work, I drive, I get home and cook. Totally safe to take! I have not had a psycho moment with my awesome BF. And I have only flipped out on my kid 1x. Because homie did 2 head and eye rolls and I wasn't having that! But I have noticed that I'm just like "blah". I have been letting things roll off my shoulders and I just don't care! I saw this one you-tuber where she said "I literally don't give a shit". And you know what, it is so true! I even let road rage slide! I just haven't been taking things so serious. I also started writing down affirmations and writing in my journal more. I have a notebook and I read my affirmations DAILY! I write them down 10x and repeat them 10x. And if I still feel anxious or negative, I repeat them again. If I am driving home and I feel grumpy, I turn down my radio and start saying them. If I can take more GABA a day, I totally would! GABA already contains B6 but I have been taking an additional B6 just to help the mood stick longer. I am by no means 100% better but I am 100% aware! I can actually stop myself from saying stupid shit. I still have to talk to myself to refrain from it, and some shit still slips but nothing compares to 14 days ago. I even feel more loved at home. I feel more respected. And the best thing is I respect myself more. I look in the mirror and tell myself that I have a kick-ass smile, a killer personality and I still look good for being 35! I have so much faith that every day will get better. I know I'll have a bad day, maybe a bad week. But I am so confident that slowly I will be able to accept everything that comes my way. My emotions, my attitude, and my self-awareness is going to get better. I will love myself more each day!

My brain doesn't like my body.

Recently I had a conversation where I spoke about the self-harm I cause to myself. Not anything life threatening. Just small things that I don't think are a big deal. But to others it might be. I spoke about my body. No matter how much I preach to be positive and to love yourself, I am the most insecure person ever. I have spoken about my rosacea, my saggy boobs, my cellulite. And I write about how I own it. But clearly I don't! I hate my body. I do. I think I truly have body dysmorphia. I had actually forgotten about something I went through in elementary school. I would always throw up. Before a test, a drill team competition, a field trip. I would just puke! My parents took me to many doctors and they ran so many tests! They finally told my parents I was just a nervous kid and I was doing it on purpose. Childhood bulimia! I 100% forgot that my parents made me see the school psychologist. It wasn't until recently that my co-worker said something and a picture flashed in my head of me on a couch with this old lady. She was wearing a brown suit with a white bow-tie looking thing. She was asking me why I liked throwing up. Fast forward to me now at almost 35 years old and I find myself puking in the same way I did when I was 7 years old. I fight with my BF, I puke. I get mad at my kid, I puke. I have a hard day at work, I go home and puke. I eat! trust me, I eat a lot. I don't throw up my food! Most of the time it's bile. TMI. But it's true! I feel better. I feel a sense of relief. And if I don't puke when I am feeling a certain way, I truly feel uncomfortable. I will honestly get up and puke just to feel relief. I know it is not OK and I know that's why I have an ulcer and heartburn every single day! I wish I can grow out of it but I have been this way for almost 30 years. I have spoke to 3 shrinks in my life. I always think things will change and clearly they have not. I also asked myself something recently. Do I get tattoos to cover my body parts that I hate? My thighs, my stomach the cellulite and stretch marks? I stared at myself in the mirror recently and was looking over my body trying to figure out what I want to cover up next. I was grossed out by my stretch marks I found behind my thigh near my ass. Literally grossed the fuck out! And I love the feeling of getting tatted. It is very therapeutic for me. Is that because I know the defects in my body are being covered up? I have been getting tattooed since I was 18 and have a combined 35 tattoos and I have never thought about this until now. It made me sad. So sad! I'm such a liar to my family and friends because I preach positive energy and love. And here I am, my own worst enemy. I have such a good BF that tells me I am sexy almost everyday. Calls me beautiful in my morning texts. Says he is a lucky man. And I ask him each and every time when I put on a new outfit, "do I look fat?". And each and every time he says no. Yet I think to myself "he's just being nice". I have a hard time believing in myself, loving myself, and owning my shit. I can't say I will feel better after I am done with this rant. But I can at least admit to myself that I know I have a problem. I know I am not being nice to my body and soul. I know someone down the street wishes they had what I have. I know I need to be more grateful that I am so lucky in life! Slowly but surely. I always figure it out. I'll be good!

My divorce from social media...kinda.

I think we are all guilty of taking a break from social media from time to time. We somehow always go back. For the most part. I remember deleting my FB or MySpace after a crazy break-up or something. You gotta go back and delete posts and pics! So stupid haha! I am big on social media. I love to over share cause I can be overbearing anyway! I love to post pics of my kid even though I know a lot of people hate that shit. I used to “check-in” everywhere I went. I would snap pics of my awesome food. Set it all up you know? Make sure the lighting was perfect! I used to make sure the “perfect” selfie went up on my Instagram and would constantly check to see if I had any comments that would boost my ego! I started backing off from posting too much a few months back. Less selfies. Still forever guilty of posting about my kid cause I can’t help it! He’s cute and funny! Promise he is! Anyway, I posted less about my relationship. I started to realize that the less people knew, the better. On Facebook, it was just overwhelming. So much family drama! Too much religion! Too many sad stories of someone’s kid and their Go Fund Me page. I just couldn’t anymore. Pressure from co-workers as to why I don’t add them! And don’t get me started on those ads! Se manchan! I left Facebook about 6 weeks ago. I do not miss it at all! Next was Instagram. I left that about 3 weeks ago. I will have to stay, the ads and this new order that they started using fucked it all up for me. I missed a lot of posts for sure. But it became dramatic. It did. And I can say that it affected my relationships a bit. My kid would make comments like, “can you put down your phone?” How horrible is that! My son doesn’t own a phone and he is only allowed on the iPad for the time I allow. I do not allow electronics on my kitchen table when there is food. I had all these rules for him but there I was hooked on how many “likes” I was getting. So I’ve shut down half way! I say half way because I still have a Twitter and Snap Chat. I love my Twitter because I have maybe 8-10 people on there that know me personally. Twitter is my place to talk about how much I despise Trump, how much I believe in Aliens, and to talk about how much wine I truly drink on a weekly basis. I’d like to keep it that way! Snap Chat is still not bad. Plus I love seeing my cousins and sister post videos of my nieces and nephews. I like sending some fucked up videos to people cause I know they are gonna disappear! It’s not as demanding I guess.

With FB and IG currently out of my life, I watch more movies with my son. I play card games. I started reading again. I even keep my apartment cleaner! I honestly workout more too. No joke! My relationship seems more at ease as well. Everything has kinda been nice. Maybe one day I will fully disconnect from all of social media. Baby steps. For now, I am happy with my half divorce. I think everyone should for real take a break! You know what I noticed too? I e-mail, text and visit more friends now. Like in person. Like in real life, face to face kinda shit! So far this has been great!