A sense of guilt

I'll be missing my Godfather's services this weekend. Not by choice. Obviously. I feel guilty about it. I feel like people are going to be saying "I can't believe Stephanie didn't come to her Nino's services". I've already been told to change my starts date for my new job so I can go. Ok, how horrible will that look. They've already moved back my training an extra week. It just sucks  I think about him all day but just keep it to myself. Some people take death different then other's. I do mourn, I do cry. We are not all built the same. Some see it as "it's life, he's gone, move one". I can't. I just can't. It sucks getting older. As a kid you don't really get death. Then you get older and older and you know more and more people and then they just start dying off. I wish I was younger or a bit more numb. But I'm not. I have feelings and emotions and sorry if I express them in a way that certain people don't agree with. I know I shouldn't feel guilty missing his services. I had spoken to him about my complications about finding a new job. So I know he understand why I can't be there. I'll say my good-bye's Sunday night and Monday night. I'll pretend I am in there spirit. Maybe I am judging myself too much. Who knows.