Ms. Independent

Now this isn't one of those "I'm totally single and hating men" blogs. It is more of a realization kinda blog. Where I have realized so much since my last relationship ended. I realized that I wasn't really "doing me". I was doing everything possible to make everyone around me happy and not really doing what made me happy. I've wanted happiness so much that I've felt that I always have to be in a relationship. I take a few weeks or months off and there I go, looking for heartbreak all over again. I look for that companionship. I look for attention and for comfort. And clearly, it has been with the wrong people. But that's what life is about right? To learn from your mistakes. So here I am, single, adulting, being more of a mother. I've always been a mother of course. I have my son almost 100% full time. BUT could I have been a better mother in the past? Absofuckenlutley. Am I making up for what I feel is lost time? Totally! Now, the last relationship I was in, we actually involved our kids a lot. They had it good. We kept busy. BUT my attention was else where. I wanted to be in this relationship so bad that I can see it now how I was giving my son less attention. I was on the phone a lot, texting, tagging on social media. And for that I am totally sorry. I'm glad I went through those things cause now I see how much of an assholoe I've been the past few years as a technically "single mom".
The past 5 months have been the SHIT for #NicholasG and I. We have been to California 2x, Arizona the same. We do stuff almost every single chance we get. We go hiking, out for sushi, swimming, shopping, family events. We have a ton of movie nights. Usually shoot for 1x a week where we eat like shit, have popcorn and cuddle on the couch. He goes to Crossfit with me and participates. We are such a great team. We sleep in when we can and we don't have to make set plans if we don't want too. We cancel when we want and do our own thing. When I don't have him, I do what I want, when I want it and with who. And if I seriously want to be 100% alone on a day that I can, you best believe I cancel whatever the fuck I want. I don't feel guilty either. Cause why should I? And I know some of you might be all chingonas and say "I've always done that. I always do me". Well good for fucking you! I wish I had the balls and the independence that I have now and that I am practicing. I didn't have this in the past. I didn't know how to say No to others and Yes to me. I didn't know how fun it would be to not leave my apartment 1x on my 2 days off. I am seriously enjoying myself. I love being this Independent. I am loving myself more. I practice how to take care of myself and my child more. And now I think that I will have a really hard time giving my attention to another in the far future. I think I am growing a tiny bit selfish with my time. I really think it's going to be hard for me to let someone else in. And for that, I can finally say I am proud of myself.