You gonna do it or nah'?

I go through phases where I really try to get my shit together! I work out often. Like obsessively. I all of a sudden think I'm smart or know what I'm talking about when I read food labels. I get all positive and shit and sage myself, my place and my kid. I preach that you should drink water with lemon or cucumber because it's 'So Good' for your skin. Yet....hello Rosacea! What the hell do I really know?! I act like I can give you the best advice on relationships, diets, parenting, co-parenting, being a damn daughter & sister! Pero la neta, what do I know?! Everyday I want to be something new when I grow up! Everyday I ask myself how can I be a better person? How can I love myself more so I may spread that love to everyone and everything? Why can't I stick to being positive all the damn time instead of a few days a month? Why do I gotta act all organic and santita y bien healthy temporarily? What holds you back from your goals? What holds you back that you are afraid to admit or you just throw under the rug? Are you really happy with your job? Is it a job or is it a career? Do you wake up happy that you are getting ready for the best 8 hours of your day! Or do you calculate the bills in your head and try to figure how much you can spend? Do you write positive notes on your mirror like I do? I switch them out here and there. Sometimes I re-read them over and over while I get ready. Most times I just 'know' that the words are there and I just ignore it. I know it would make a difference if I read them everyday. Study shows (I didn't really look it up) that reading daily affirmations and making it a habit can actually help you! I can't believe I am so damn lazy that I can't even COMMIT to reading my fucking mirror words everyday! Or stick to yoga or stretching EVERY-SINGLE-MORNING, not just 3-4x a week! Why don't I have the drive to complete something in my life? I always have an excuse. I KNOW that I can make a name for myself in a career. But I'm not doing much to get there. I got comfortable. But I am better than that shit. Totally know I am. And I know the people around me that love me know that I am better than the person I am today. I drive a car that is 10 years old! Yes I am grateful to have a working vehicle! Shout out to Toyota! But I should have a new car by now. I shouldn't have to worry about how I am going to make a car payment. I should be doing it already! I should have already been on a crazy strict healthy diet to help my skin! Not to be thin! But to help my skin! I know what I have to do but I don't do it! I know how to be a better girlfriend but I have this fucked up attitude! I can be a kick-ass mom if I wasn't such a moody, impatient person. I can be a better daughter and sister and check in with my peeps more!  And all these things can be conquered! I just have to do it. I literally just have to do it. I have to adult. I have to love ME.

Cry baby

Lately my mind set has been a little weak. I am used to calling myself a chingona, independent, bad-ass mom that doesn't need anybody! Ms. I can handle it on my own! G-d forbid I ask anyone for help! BUT the past few weeks I have felt myself sinking. More emotional, angrier, frightened. I'm always so mentally tired that all I want to do is sleep! I'm so freaking stressed out right now that even writing this is freaking me out! I can't necessarily point out 1 exact thing because it's legit a few things. One thing that I will mention that is weighing down on me is parenting. It really does get a bit harder as they get older. They get more expensive! My son's tummy is like a dump truck! And he's so skinny but growing so tall! So with that come new shoes, socks, chonies, longer shirts, shorts, etc! It's great! It means he is healthy! But dang! Como comen! Then comes the "I'm gonna test you even more stage". I have always blogged about my life with NicholasG. It's no secret that we have our crazy relationship. He truly is the love of my life! The tajin to my sandia! He is my little roll-dog! My sidekick por vida, aye! So I don't really understand why I have to ask him 2, 3x to do something. And by #3, I'm already screaming! Why do they like to hear us scream? Is it the reaction they get? I swear my kid is laughing when I freak out. It's such a simple task to follow through with. So, like, do it! Or the "why"! Dude, seriously, it's all cute and shit when they are little but at almost 10 years old....bro! Why? Because I said so fool! Or the negotiating. "If I clean my room you will buy me a new toy"...Boy...if you clean your room I'll feed you dinner! No manches! I know I wasn't child of the year but I knew enough to not test my parents as much as he does with me. Brings me to the emotional aspect of this. I cry man! I feel like a failure. What am I doing wrong that the respect from him to me is not there? The kid loves me to death! Wants to cuddle with me all the time and calls me the best Chef in the world! Says I roll better burritos then Chipotle! But he still doesn't take my discipline serious. The typical Mexican in me says "you didn't beat his ass enough". Cause that's how we were right? But no, I've never really kicked his ass. A spank here and there. The cinto a few times but nothing crazy. Typical chanclasos. But I swear nothing has ever fazed him. So how can I get a very stubborn, intelligent, shy, rambunctious, sweet 9 year old to fully respect his mom? The weak part of this is I gotta phone for help now! Coach is great! I feel so bad! The crazy emotional roller coaster that I am currently on (I mentioned there is more, not just my kid) is a lot! I cannot do it on my own! I need help. I need guidance, advice, criticism, jokes, distractions! I am asking for it! I call Coach. I cry and vent and say stupid shit. Then I complain about how much I hate Vegas and then from there I'll vent about my skin or something out of the blue. All I hear on the other end is support. It's a good feeling to have. I think what I am going through as a growing human being is normal. I don't think many people, especially Super Mom's that want to do it all on their own really speak out about how hard it is. Work, relationships, kids, school, bills, food! We all want everyone on instagram and facebook to see us as perfect moms that have it all together. It's ok to admit that you lock yourself in your room, closet, restroom, car, wherever it may be to just get one good scream! And if you haven't done it before you should try. It's kinda liberating! And then find that support. That one person that won't judge you. And just let it all out! Feel vulnerable. Because let me tell you something! I still feel a bit weak that I have been crying out for help lately. But I also feel like a real human with a heart that needs a 20 second hug from time to time! I feel a sense of relief when I can say what I feel like 100% at that moment. Then after I gather myself and my thoughts and take a few deep breaths, I put on my big girl chonies and I keep moving forward. As a mom, a girlfriend, a co-worker and friend. I have to remind myself that the person down the street may have it 10x worse.

I am bright, I am brilliant, I am beautiful.

8. LOVE YOURSELF: Like you're the only you there is.- Jen Sincero.

 Do you have any idea how many times I've read that ^^^^^^? Countless. I've been trying to finish this entry for almost 2 weeks. And every time I opened this page, I saw that and I read it over and over again and couldn't seem to write. I finally figured it out. I was having a hard time accepting that I don't love myself as I should. I love myself to an extent but I don't love myself how I deserve. It is changing though. I am changing. My thought process is definitely different. I am at a stage in my life where I really need to "Do me". I have always tried to eat healthy. Promote health to my friends. They secretly hate me when I suggest things to eat or how much I love coconut oil! Then I go through phases where no fucks are given and I gain weight and hate myself. I blame everything and everyone around me for how unhappy I am and I'll forever be single cause I want too much too quick. And life is shit!
Well...I can't say that I am 100% happy but I sure feel like I will get there. I am taking more supplements and making smarter choices that I know will help my skin. I am reading affirmations to myself everyday a few times a day. Author Jen Sincero says in her book, "...yes at the beginning it may feel like you're lying to yourself...affirmations get you back to the truth." Ok so this is totally true! I would have a hard time getting through 10 "I am bright, I am brilliant, I am beautiful". I'd be like..."Ok Efus you still use your fingers to multiply. You are so not bright"! "Me? Beautiful? HA! No Manches". And I would have to check myself and get through them. Now, almost 2 weeks later, I ENJOY saying them. I say them when I'm doing my hair, taking a piss, showering. I say it over and over and I believe it. I am bright! I can come up with some good ideas! I am brilliant! I am damn good at my job and amazing with people! I am beautiful! I have a great smile and I am a good person! With this comes confidence and love. I left my house without ANY makeup. NONE. Nothing. I felt like the entire world was looking at my face. I had to seriously reconnect with myself and remember that I was beautiful. And after a few seconds, I kept shopping. I went to 3 stores. I didn't care. 1 month ago, I would have never done that. The thought alone would have made me sick. I also started meditating. It is very hard to shut off your brain. I find that I have to sit in my tub to do it. Pure silence. Why didn't I do this sooner? Why was I so negative? Again, I am not 100% there but, why did I actually give a fuck?

Do you even have a hobby bro?

I legit don't have a hobby. I've been thinking about it for weeks now. The older I get and the more people I get to know, I realize that I have nothing that I do that is considered a hobby. Yes I enjoy writing and blogging but dude. No. 

What I am talking about is actual hobbies. Crocheting, tattooing, photography, art collecting, building shit just because, etc! What are you totally passionate about? Does your hobby take up half of your life, maybe more? I met an interesting individual. They had an insane amount of hobbies. I was almost jealous. Yet totally intrigued with the passion they had for some of the shit they did. They did crazy shit from editing videos, to jumping off cliffs, to working on car motors. Then I find out about the art, the computers, the pictures. And I'm like, wtf? I got nothing! Who has time, money and energy for that? Lucky fuckers. My good friend is a painter! I loved the painting she gave me so much, that it inspired a tattoo of mine. Then a family member of mine decided that she wanted to learn how to crochet. In a matter of weeks she was making her own covija! I have a friend that crotchets baby hats! My other girlfriend is so passionate about nutrition, she makes a ton of her own foods from scratch! My brother is incredibly talented and skilled with his Magic. He gets me every time! My sister can bake like no other! I have always been envious of her skills. And I'm over here trying to just get through life by making more boards on Pinterest of shit I want to try to get into. I never really go back and look at them. It's not that I don't have faith in myself. I really don't know what I want to even try. What I am even good at? Lets see...I'm good at drinking wine and whiskey. I'm pretty good at being a smart-ass. I'm good at never folding my laundry. Pretty great at making the most inappropriate comments at the worst times ever! I seriously cannot think of a single hobby that I have had, should have, will have. That is fucking sad. I need to figure something out. I'm out here all pendejita with no skills. I just see myself as boring now. I will change this about myself. I need to open myself up to new things. Maybe I'll meet someone that can teach me something. Help me find something in me that I didn't know existed! Maybe I'm going to just get a sign! And go for it! Whatever it may be, I'm sure I will make the best of it. It's been a long time coming. Come on hobby! Come at me bro!