Mental Illness, Insecurity, Dramatic or a combo?

I always tell people "I'm crazy", and I really don't think people take me serious. The way my brain works sometimes scares the shit out of me. I make up all these scenarios in my head for every situation I am in. I blame the shitty world we live in too though. For example if I go to the movies with my kid I look for all exits, or I think "I'll jump on my son and protect him" and I know I shouldn't think that way but my brain is legit wired different. I instantly think negative. I always think something is wrong. At work, at home with my dude, when my kid is at school. I can never just think positive! I hate this about myself and I don't know how to fix it. Everyone thinks I am so fun and outgoing and charismatic and yet I am a scared little bitch that puts up this tough girl persona. I am nothing but weak minded. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't think I deserve true love or a higher paying job. I always think my dude is messing around behind my back and yet he sits there and puts up with all my shit! I think I can be a shitty mom sometimes cause I cuss a lot and yell all the freaking time yet my kid always wants to snuggle with me, sleep in my room and tells me I'm funny? I can't seem to get my thoughts together. I have tried talking to shrinks, spiritual healers via Skype, I've tried to journal, and I can't seem to find peace within myself. I don't love myself and I know that is HUGE! I honestly don't like anything about me. I have gained so much weight and that is so not like me. I snack every single chance I get. I criticize my face and hair and yet don't take the steps to try to figure it all out. BUT I have also never been girly. Ever. I think it is a waste of time for me to look fake. I don't care that I don't know how to put on makeup or comb my hair. I really don't! But I always hear from women how good it makes them feel to look nice. I just can't get there! I even stopped dying my hair. The silvers are popping out and I just think, "fuck it I am going to age gracefully". And I hear it from everyone that I should just dye it because I am still too young to want to go grey. But why? Why not just accept it. We are all going to get old and die! A dye job is not going to change shit! And with my face, dude, it's rosacea. I've accepted that shit long ago. I don't even cover it when I leave the house on weekends. I am the face of rosacea! Let the red face shine ladies and gents! I hope to one day wake up and be at peace with myself. Because I hate this. I hate hating myself. It is bringing my relationship down. I have been finding myself sitting in my driveway before I walk inside telling myself to not cause drama. To accept his love. To not yell at my kid for his dirty room or clothes on the floor. I literally have to talk to myself. I want to wake up one day and not have to do that. I don't want to hear the voices in my head anymore. I am over being angry, sad and so so so insecure. I want to love me.