It has been over 4 months since T and I broke up. The first 2.5 months were the hardest and most yuckiest months of my life. I didn't know who I was. M y behavior and emotions were everywhere. I was stuck living with him and let me tell you, that was torture! I would just leave the house at night and sit at random bars. He would leave over night I assume to be with the whore he cheated on me with. He will continue to deny that but always listen to your intuition! The signs were all there, the mini confession that he later took back. The way she stayed quiet and never defended herself. It was a very hard time in my life! Everyone would say "just leave", "go stay with so and so". Where? And with my kid? No! And he refused to leave temporarily while I found a place. So did I make it hard? Yup! I hate him! And I hated him more 4 months ago. He betrayed me! My family, my son, our friends! So yeah, living with him was not ideal but I didn't think it was right for me to have to leave.
During those few months, I was so sick. I puked each day. I cried myself to sleep. I was so angry! Even after I moved out, it was hard to try to have my new normal. I was so used to him. But I rose to the occasion! I moved about 80% of our stuff on my own. never asking for any help. I packed up my Rav for 4 days straight and carried things up stairs. I was so bruised and sore! My entire body had bruises. That just made me even more angry. Like fuck you dude! But I did it! I had my friends husband help me on my very last day of moving because he had straps and I had to move a bed. My son and his buddy helped one night as well. I needed to do it mainly on my own to prove myself that I never need a man. Never have and never will! Since I've been in our new place, I have built our furniture, put up curtains, built our desks, put up frames and I've even started buying plants! I am proud of myself each day and I am glad my son will one day realize how kick ass his mom is!
Since we have been 100% settled in, and my mental health is healing, I can see and feel the difference already. It took me a while but I realized that I was very unhappy. It wasn't even about settling. It was that I was truly unhappy. We didn't have a physical relationship and for 4 years he made me feel guilty about it. I know now that I was never the issue!! His kids got into trouble but yet he never reprimanded them. Instead he would take major offense. But ohhhhh, my kid! He always had something to say! And honestly that got old! That was a huge conflict with us as we grew together. All I can say is that I am so glad I dodged that bullet!
I am trying to heal and grow spiritually. I am trying to be more calm and assertive and be at Peace. I have a long way to go. But I do not wish him well. Not yet. The hurt that I felt was almost unbearable. One of those, I can't breathe moments...but for weeks! I do not feel like he felt any hurt whatsoever. Obviously it's because he was already preoccupied. But once that fairy tale ends for both of them, cause it will, I hope he hurts. And I hope she lies to him how he lied to me.
I am closing myself off to men. All men. I will not entertain anyone. I don't want to ever again. I love being alone. I do literally whatever I want. Spend my money on my son and I. I am almost 38. Dating in MY eyes is hard at my age and I have zero intentions of ever starting over.
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