I was unhappy and now I am jaded.

 It has been over 4 months since T and I broke up. The first 2.5 months were the hardest and most yuckiest months of my life. I didn't know who I was. M y behavior and emotions were everywhere. I was stuck living with him and let me tell you, that was torture! I would just leave the house at night and sit at random bars. He would leave over night I assume to be with the whore he cheated on me with. He will continue to deny that but always listen to your intuition! The signs were all there, the mini confession that he later took back. The way she stayed quiet and never defended herself. It was a very hard time in my life! Everyone would say "just leave", "go stay with so and so". Where? And with my kid? No! And he refused to leave temporarily while I found a place. So did I make it hard? Yup! I hate him! And I hated him more 4 months ago. He betrayed me! My family, my son, our friends! So yeah, living with him was not ideal but I didn't think it was right for me to have to leave. 

During those few months, I was so sick. I puked each day. I cried myself to sleep. I was so angry! Even after I moved out, it was hard to try to have my new normal. I was so used to him. But I rose to the occasion! I moved about 80% of our stuff on my own. never asking for any help. I packed up my Rav for 4 days straight and carried things up stairs. I was so bruised and sore! My entire body had bruises. That just made me even more angry. Like fuck you dude! But I did it! I had my friends husband help me on my very last day of moving because he had straps and I had to move a bed. My son and his buddy helped one night as well. I needed to do it mainly on my own to prove myself that I never need a man. Never have and never will! Since I've been in our new place, I have built our furniture, put up curtains, built our desks, put up frames and I've even started buying plants! I am proud of myself each day and I am glad my son will one day realize how kick ass his mom is! 

Since we have been 100% settled in, and my mental health is healing, I can see and feel the difference already. It took me a while but I realized that I was very unhappy. It wasn't even about settling. It was that I was truly unhappy. We didn't have a physical relationship and for 4 years he made me feel guilty about it. I know now that I was never the issue!! His kids got into trouble but yet he never reprimanded them. Instead he would take major offense. But ohhhhh, my kid! He always had something to say! And honestly that got old! That was a huge conflict with us as we grew together. All I can say is that I am so glad I dodged that bullet! 

I am trying to heal and grow spiritually. I am trying to be more calm and assertive and  be at Peace. I have a long way to go. But I do not wish him well. Not yet. The hurt that I felt was almost unbearable. One of those, I can't breathe moments...but for weeks! I do not feel like he felt any hurt whatsoever. Obviously it's because he was already preoccupied. But once that fairy tale ends for both of them, cause it will, I hope he hurts. And I hope she lies to him how he lied to me. 

I am closing myself off to men. All men. I will not entertain anyone. I don't want to ever again. I love being alone. I do literally whatever I want. Spend my money on my son and I. I am almost 38. Dating in MY eyes is hard at my age and I have zero intentions of ever starting over. 

What just happened to my body?

When I was younger I used to always think to myself that I will forever stay skinny and healthy! I used to rock my size zeros with my tiny waist and big boobs! I used to brag about how shitty I ate and how I never gained weight or got sick! All cute and shit at 5'1", 90 pounds when I graduated from high school! HA! Holy fuck was I wrong! I am now 36 years old and have been going through some crappy health issues since 2017! We will start off with me being diagnosed with Supraventricular Tachycardia in January of 2017. I always had a rapid heart beat but nothing too crazy. I ended up having this crazy episode as I warmed up for Crossfit. Cause you know, I was still trying to be a MILF! My heart just wouldn't slow down! I was calm and so was my trainer. She tried talking calmly to me but we realized it was not working. So they ended up calling the paramedics. My heart almost exploded. No joke. They tried stopping it 2x while on the way to the hospital. Then a 3rd time in the ER. They finally had to shock me. I remember before that for a few seconds that the doc asked me if I had done cocaine or any uppers. I said no. He asked if I was taking diet pills. I remember saying "are you calling me fat!" As they are trying to put a mask on me. He said "they just picked you up from CrossFit"! Then he said "I have to shock your heart" and I said "am I going to pee because I just bought these pants?" He just laughed and said I was a trip! I don't remember anything else. I woke up in another room screaming for my son. Oh yeah, he saw the whole thing. He was at Crossfit with me. He was so scared. I will just say this, his cry kept me alive. Anyway, woke up, saw my kid. Stayed until next day just to be told I needed to have an Ablation done. Sucks man. I was so mad because I "thought" I was keeping a good balance by eating like shit and working out. Turns out, genetics give NO fucks about how healthy you try to be! I had my ablation April 4th 2017 and I have never been the same since. I haven't had a hard workout. I haven't pushed myself to my full potential. I have gained 30 pounds since then. Last year in 2019, I started getting sick. Randomly. HOURS of puke with blood, bile, everything in my system! I would be drenched in sweat, soaking! I would even pee on myself a bit! But that comes with the territory of being a mom for a lot of women! Weak bitch bladder! The 3rd time it happened, I was at work and I thought I was going to pass out. They had to wheel me out and drive me to the doc. She said I had a bleeding ulcer and I needed to go to the ER asap. I didn't because I just couldn't afford it. Then on January 11th, I had a kick ass time at my BFF's baby shower. I got hammered, I ate everything in site! Next day some menudo to "settle my stomach"! Dude! We leave back to Vegas and we stop in Victorville and I knew it! It was coming! The puke was about to start! I puked from Victorville to my house. It was horrendous! I finally went to the doc and she also thinks I have a bleeding ulcer and celiac disease. Pretty much a reaction to Gluten! ME?! A reaction to gluten! But I am so not "one of those people"! She told me to lay off all the gluten, sodas, pizza, sauces, anything fried. Pretty much everything I love and adore. The WORST part was, she said....No More Wine! UGH! I decided to call my friend who is a certified nutritionist and after a 3rd opinion, I accepted it. My friend also has me on a pretty bland diet. Crazy how much better I have felt. I used to think that people exaggerated when they said your body changes after 30. Or how people with a gluten sensitivity were just lying. But now I know it is all true. All of it is true! Oh and one of the best parts is, my dad and I have had the same heart surgery and we both have fucked up ulcers AND we also both got wisdom teeth surgery in the same month! After I turned 30, all the shit that my genes are infected with have come to life! Including going grey by the way! But I am liking my silvers! But yeah, I need to watch what I eat, what I drink. I READ labels now! I am finding a lot of products that I actually enjoy! And I am making small changes each time I cook. I strictly use Avocado Oil now. Less greasy! And I have switched to Oat Milk! Zero pork. I haven't had pizza since January 3rd! I went 25 days without a drink. Currently sipping on Jameson that I watered down with like 10 ice cubes. Only because I want to see what I can slowly introduce again. Nothing too crazy. Like I know that flaming hots and I are divorced. Realistically I can't have my pizza the way I like it. I can no longer finish a bottle of wine in one night. I can't say that it has all been bad. It has been reality! It was a wake up call! Like, "yo Efus, that double chin ain't cute anymore"! I needed to realize the shit I was putting inside me. It didn't matter that I worked out! My body showed no mercy! My body told me to get my shit together! I have lost a few pounds. My BF and I go walking at least 5x a week now. I am less swollen. In the past 25 days, I have been really good to my body and she is finally thanking me for it. I am sorry body, organs, brain, that I have poisoned you all these years! I promise to do better. But please realize that I will fail from time to time. But I got this! And if I can do it, literally anyone can!

Mental Illness, Insecurity, Dramatic or a combo?

I always tell people "I'm crazy", and I really don't think people take me serious. The way my brain works sometimes scares the shit out of me. I make up all these scenarios in my head for every situation I am in. I blame the shitty world we live in too though. For example if I go to the movies with my kid I look for all exits, or I think "I'll jump on my son and protect him" and I know I shouldn't think that way but my brain is legit wired different. I instantly think negative. I always think something is wrong. At work, at home with my dude, when my kid is at school. I can never just think positive! I hate this about myself and I don't know how to fix it. Everyone thinks I am so fun and outgoing and charismatic and yet I am a scared little bitch that puts up this tough girl persona. I am nothing but weak minded. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't think I deserve true love or a higher paying job. I always think my dude is messing around behind my back and yet he sits there and puts up with all my shit! I think I can be a shitty mom sometimes cause I cuss a lot and yell all the freaking time yet my kid always wants to snuggle with me, sleep in my room and tells me I'm funny? I can't seem to get my thoughts together. I have tried talking to shrinks, spiritual healers via Skype, I've tried to journal, and I can't seem to find peace within myself. I don't love myself and I know that is HUGE! I honestly don't like anything about me. I have gained so much weight and that is so not like me. I snack every single chance I get. I criticize my face and hair and yet don't take the steps to try to figure it all out. BUT I have also never been girly. Ever. I think it is a waste of time for me to look fake. I don't care that I don't know how to put on makeup or comb my hair. I really don't! But I always hear from women how good it makes them feel to look nice. I just can't get there! I even stopped dying my hair. The silvers are popping out and I just think, "fuck it I am going to age gracefully". And I hear it from everyone that I should just dye it because I am still too young to want to go grey. But why? Why not just accept it. We are all going to get old and die! A dye job is not going to change shit! And with my face, dude, it's rosacea. I've accepted that shit long ago. I don't even cover it when I leave the house on weekends. I am the face of rosacea! Let the red face shine ladies and gents! I hope to one day wake up and be at peace with myself. Because I hate this. I hate hating myself. It is bringing my relationship down. I have been finding myself sitting in my driveway before I walk inside telling myself to not cause drama. To accept his love. To not yell at my kid for his dirty room or clothes on the floor. I literally have to talk to myself. I want to wake up one day and not have to do that. I don't want to hear the voices in my head anymore. I am over being angry, sad and so so so insecure. I want to love me.

My GABA testimonial: From psychopath to a little normalcy.

14 days ago I had one of the worst flip-outs of my life! I did not like the person I was and how I was making others feel. So I made a decision to research natural alternatives to help with my mental breakdowns. I spent hours online going from one self-help website to another. Googling "best vitamins for mental health". A handful of people in my life know that all the screws in my head are not screwed on right. Some people may think I am exaggerating. BUT I am not. I needed help! Still do! The way my brain thinks sometimes is not OK. I think of worst case scenarios. Instead of being happy and letting things flow, I go straight to the negative, I over analyze and over think everything! Even as my BF says, "there is always a logical explanation". And I am over here thinking thee worst! So anyway, during my research I kept seeing people, therapists, YouTube videos, etc., talking about GABA pills (Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid). Low levels of GABA can be linked to depression, mood disorders, anxiety. I have all 3 x10 plus like 15 other things! I finally jumped on Amazon and ordered some. I purchased NOW Food brand, 700 mg. Today is day 8 that I have been taking 2 in the morning on an empty stomach and 1 before bed with melatonin. I have to say that so far I am impressed. I actually feel a slight head change when I take them. Even feel a bit buzzed, as if I have had a few beers. But still being able to fully function. I come to work, I drive, I get home and cook. Totally safe to take! I have not had a psycho moment with my awesome BF. And I have only flipped out on my kid 1x. Because homie did 2 head and eye rolls and I wasn't having that! But I have noticed that I'm just like "blah". I have been letting things roll off my shoulders and I just don't care! I saw this one you-tuber where she said "I literally don't give a shit". And you know what, it is so true! I even let road rage slide! I just haven't been taking things so serious. I also started writing down affirmations and writing in my journal more. I have a notebook and I read my affirmations DAILY! I write them down 10x and repeat them 10x. And if I still feel anxious or negative, I repeat them again. If I am driving home and I feel grumpy, I turn down my radio and start saying them. If I can take more GABA a day, I totally would! GABA already contains B6 but I have been taking an additional B6 just to help the mood stick longer. I am by no means 100% better but I am 100% aware! I can actually stop myself from saying stupid shit. I still have to talk to myself to refrain from it, and some shit still slips but nothing compares to 14 days ago. I even feel more loved at home. I feel more respected. And the best thing is I respect myself more. I look in the mirror and tell myself that I have a kick-ass smile, a killer personality and I still look good for being 35! I have so much faith that every day will get better. I know I'll have a bad day, maybe a bad week. But I am so confident that slowly I will be able to accept everything that comes my way. My emotions, my attitude, and my self-awareness is going to get better. I will love myself more each day!

My brain doesn't like my body.

Recently I had a conversation where I spoke about the self-harm I cause to myself. Not anything life threatening. Just small things that I don't think are a big deal. But to others it might be. I spoke about my body. No matter how much I preach to be positive and to love yourself, I am the most insecure person ever. I have spoken about my rosacea, my saggy boobs, my cellulite. And I write about how I own it. But clearly I don't! I hate my body. I do. I think I truly have body dysmorphia. I had actually forgotten about something I went through in elementary school. I would always throw up. Before a test, a drill team competition, a field trip. I would just puke! My parents took me to many doctors and they ran so many tests! They finally told my parents I was just a nervous kid and I was doing it on purpose. Childhood bulimia! I 100% forgot that my parents made me see the school psychologist. It wasn't until recently that my co-worker said something and a picture flashed in my head of me on a couch with this old lady. She was wearing a brown suit with a white bow-tie looking thing. She was asking me why I liked throwing up. Fast forward to me now at almost 35 years old and I find myself puking in the same way I did when I was 7 years old. I fight with my BF, I puke. I get mad at my kid, I puke. I have a hard day at work, I go home and puke. I eat! trust me, I eat a lot. I don't throw up my food! Most of the time it's bile. TMI. But it's true! I feel better. I feel a sense of relief. And if I don't puke when I am feeling a certain way, I truly feel uncomfortable. I will honestly get up and puke just to feel relief. I know it is not OK and I know that's why I have an ulcer and heartburn every single day! I wish I can grow out of it but I have been this way for almost 30 years. I have spoke to 3 shrinks in my life. I always think things will change and clearly they have not. I also asked myself something recently. Do I get tattoos to cover my body parts that I hate? My thighs, my stomach the cellulite and stretch marks? I stared at myself in the mirror recently and was looking over my body trying to figure out what I want to cover up next. I was grossed out by my stretch marks I found behind my thigh near my ass. Literally grossed the fuck out! And I love the feeling of getting tatted. It is very therapeutic for me. Is that because I know the defects in my body are being covered up? I have been getting tattooed since I was 18 and have a combined 35 tattoos and I have never thought about this until now. It made me sad. So sad! I'm such a liar to my family and friends because I preach positive energy and love. And here I am, my own worst enemy. I have such a good BF that tells me I am sexy almost everyday. Calls me beautiful in my morning texts. Says he is a lucky man. And I ask him each and every time when I put on a new outfit, "do I look fat?". And each and every time he says no. Yet I think to myself "he's just being nice". I have a hard time believing in myself, loving myself, and owning my shit. I can't say I will feel better after I am done with this rant. But I can at least admit to myself that I know I have a problem. I know I am not being nice to my body and soul. I know someone down the street wishes they had what I have. I know I need to be more grateful that I am so lucky in life! Slowly but surely. I always figure it out. I'll be good!

My divorce from social media...kinda.

I think we are all guilty of taking a break from social media from time to time. We somehow always go back. For the most part. I remember deleting my FB or MySpace after a crazy break-up or something. You gotta go back and delete posts and pics! So stupid haha! I am big on social media. I love to over share cause I can be overbearing anyway! I love to post pics of my kid even though I know a lot of people hate that shit. I used to “check-in” everywhere I went. I would snap pics of my awesome food. Set it all up you know? Make sure the lighting was perfect! I used to make sure the “perfect” selfie went up on my Instagram and would constantly check to see if I had any comments that would boost my ego! I started backing off from posting too much a few months back. Less selfies. Still forever guilty of posting about my kid cause I can’t help it! He’s cute and funny! Promise he is! Anyway, I posted less about my relationship. I started to realize that the less people knew, the better. On Facebook, it was just overwhelming. So much family drama! Too much religion! Too many sad stories of someone’s kid and their Go Fund Me page. I just couldn’t anymore. Pressure from co-workers as to why I don’t add them! And don’t get me started on those ads! Se manchan! I left Facebook about 6 weeks ago. I do not miss it at all! Next was Instagram. I left that about 3 weeks ago. I will have to stay, the ads and this new order that they started using fucked it all up for me. I missed a lot of posts for sure. But it became dramatic. It did. And I can say that it affected my relationships a bit. My kid would make comments like, “can you put down your phone?” How horrible is that! My son doesn’t own a phone and he is only allowed on the iPad for the time I allow. I do not allow electronics on my kitchen table when there is food. I had all these rules for him but there I was hooked on how many “likes” I was getting. So I’ve shut down half way! I say half way because I still have a Twitter and Snap Chat. I love my Twitter because I have maybe 8-10 people on there that know me personally. Twitter is my place to talk about how much I despise Trump, how much I believe in Aliens, and to talk about how much wine I truly drink on a weekly basis. I’d like to keep it that way! Snap Chat is still not bad. Plus I love seeing my cousins and sister post videos of my nieces and nephews. I like sending some fucked up videos to people cause I know they are gonna disappear! It’s not as demanding I guess.

With FB and IG currently out of my life, I watch more movies with my son. I play card games. I started reading again. I even keep my apartment cleaner! I honestly workout more too. No joke! My relationship seems more at ease as well. Everything has kinda been nice. Maybe one day I will fully disconnect from all of social media. Baby steps. For now, I am happy with my half divorce. I think everyone should for real take a break! You know what I noticed too? I e-mail, text and visit more friends now. Like in person. Like in real life, face to face kinda shit! So far this has been great!

You gonna do it or nah'?

I go through phases where I really try to get my shit together! I work out often. Like obsessively. I all of a sudden think I'm smart or know what I'm talking about when I read food labels. I get all positive and shit and sage myself, my place and my kid. I preach that you should drink water with lemon or cucumber because it's 'So Good' for your skin. Yet....hello Rosacea! What the hell do I really know?! I act like I can give you the best advice on relationships, diets, parenting, co-parenting, being a damn daughter & sister! Pero la neta, what do I know?! Everyday I want to be something new when I grow up! Everyday I ask myself how can I be a better person? How can I love myself more so I may spread that love to everyone and everything? Why can't I stick to being positive all the damn time instead of a few days a month? Why do I gotta act all organic and santita y bien healthy temporarily? What holds you back from your goals? What holds you back that you are afraid to admit or you just throw under the rug? Are you really happy with your job? Is it a job or is it a career? Do you wake up happy that you are getting ready for the best 8 hours of your day! Or do you calculate the bills in your head and try to figure how much you can spend? Do you write positive notes on your mirror like I do? I switch them out here and there. Sometimes I re-read them over and over while I get ready. Most times I just 'know' that the words are there and I just ignore it. I know it would make a difference if I read them everyday. Study shows (I didn't really look it up) that reading daily affirmations and making it a habit can actually help you! I can't believe I am so damn lazy that I can't even COMMIT to reading my fucking mirror words everyday! Or stick to yoga or stretching EVERY-SINGLE-MORNING, not just 3-4x a week! Why don't I have the drive to complete something in my life? I always have an excuse. I KNOW that I can make a name for myself in a career. But I'm not doing much to get there. I got comfortable. But I am better than that shit. Totally know I am. And I know the people around me that love me know that I am better than the person I am today. I drive a car that is 10 years old! Yes I am grateful to have a working vehicle! Shout out to Toyota! But I should have a new car by now. I shouldn't have to worry about how I am going to make a car payment. I should be doing it already! I should have already been on a crazy strict healthy diet to help my skin! Not to be thin! But to help my skin! I know what I have to do but I don't do it! I know how to be a better girlfriend but I have this fucked up attitude! I can be a kick-ass mom if I wasn't such a moody, impatient person. I can be a better daughter and sister and check in with my peeps more!  And all these things can be conquered! I just have to do it. I literally just have to do it. I have to adult. I have to love ME.