My moods & tattoos!

I love tattoos. I have more tattoos then my parents would like to think I do. I get tattoos "just because". Not all my tattoos mean something. I just like getting them. Many times my tattoos are followed by my mood. Good mood, bad mood. Like this weekend is a "I need to distract myself" kinda tattoo. I'm frustrated about my living situation, my job, my personal life and my face! So getting ink kinda helps all that! It's like therapy. A relief of some sort. Instead of going out there and getting shit faced drunk or do gnarly drugs, I get tatted :-) That's my bad decision and I love it! Can you imagine how many tattoos I'll have within the next 10 years??? Cause if you know me, I'm a moody, sensitive biatch!! I'm gonna run out of room! I had a conversation today with my BFF and she said "fill in your gaps". She meant my back. But I told her my back is turning into a family affair. Totally dedicating it to just family. So I gotta go else where on my body! Think I'll start on the arms or finish up my ribs. Who knows. I'll decide when I get there. I know is disappoints my folks and all my old school family members but this is me. I'm a big girl. This is my body and my decisions. Will I regret them when I'm older? Probably not. Will I care what you say or think of me? Definitely not. I think they are sexy and it keeps people guessing ;-)

My life would suck without you

I'm straight up. I don't hold back. So when I say that you my son, have been my biggest headache since I was 5 months preggo is the truth!!! I was put on bed rest that early and It sucked asssss. I had doctor appointments 2x a week with ultrasounds each time! I saw you grow weekly and it got to a point where I wasn't even impressed anymore. Just get 'em outta me already! That's what I would think! Then things got shitty and I had you all early and since then, it's still been kinda a headache. You have had your issues here and there but I'm grateful that we've gotten through them. From your hospital stays to your talking back, we've survived. You are the biggest pain in my butt and yet my little hero!!!! My number 1 FOREVER! I say things I shouldn't say sometimes and I think bad thoughts when I'm frustrated. It's normal and I don't feel bad about it. You are a tough kid. I don't think it will be easy for a man to stay in our lives son. And it's not your fault. Sometimes men, other women, strangers, everyone...they look at me like "handle your damn kid"! Do you think I'm not trying hard enough??? I'm a single mom who has my son 100x more then his dad does. I'm trying my best! I don't care what people think about how I raise you Nick. You and I are a team. And if no one can join us then fuck them. I don't care what family says. What friends say. I've tried. I have spanked, done timeouts, taken toys away. People, do you realize that EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT!!! I don't give a fuck what you feed your kid, how you dress them, if they aren't allowed to watch tv or eat junk food! Kids will grow up and be their own person!!! I see something in Nick that probably no one else will see, not even his dad. Not now at least. But my kid can be so smart. He can be a total smart ass for sure and I think its going to benefit him when he's older. He's gonna be an artist or an awesome athlete or an inventor of something. And all his tantrums that he throws now will be forgotten. It is sad that I am more frustrated at being a mom then i thought i would be. Nick isn't your normal 5 year old. And I know he can be a pain in the ass but he's MY 5 year old!! It totally helps that he's so freaking handsome though! And he's kinda a kiss ass too. Picking flowers is his thing when I'm upset with him and it works every single time!!! Look, kids are frustrating and we all have to try to raise the perfect one. But it's not reality. Just chill. Kids will ruin some date nights, and some nice dinners out in public and they will ruin their nice clothes you buy them and guess what, they might not like the healthy ass food you're trying to shove down their throat! Just how I have accepted that Nick hates frijoles and everything potatoes!! They are kids. We need to simmer down and let them be kids! My kid will continue to throw some fucked up tantrums and he will piss me off and I will call my mom or sister and tell them to keep him! But then I'll get over it cause I'll stop and think to myself that I at least was able to create another human being. Many women, some that I hold close to my heart, cannot have babies! And some have lost babies and trust me I think of them each time I am frustrated with my son. I try. I do try to be a good mom. For the most part, he's a great kid! Hilarious at times and hello, he sings Mána! I am so thankful for him and thankful for the support I've had so far. I'm ok with it being Nick and I for the rest of our lives. I don't need a man to force himself to accept him, or us. We are a team. It will always be Steph and Nick. We are both complicated as fuck and that's quiet alright. Just makes us extra special :-)

Nicholas, my life would suck without you...

3/14/13 it's been 1 year.

A year ago today. It went by SO FAST!

A year ago today I made one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. To become a single mom and leave the father of my child. I was already a statistic. What's one more situation to put me in a category. Single mom with a baby daddy.

The first 2 weeks were tough. I had to figure out a place to stay. I went back and forth with my brain. Should I stay or should I go?! Can I make it work? Am I forcing it? What will our families think? My poor kid is gonna grow up confused! These thoughts and so many more ran through my head. It sucked assssss. I finally moved out. Then that was tough. If it wasn't for my amazing friends and family, who knows where I would be.

I have grown so much in this year. I love myself more. I am more confident. I hate to even think about being insecure.

Mustang Man and I are cool. We ain't best friends but we cool. We co-parent and that's the most important thing. We help each other out. Many don't understand the friendship we have. It's hard to explain on why I won't ask for more. I can thank him for helping me be the woman I am today. Because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know what it was like to feel the way I feel right now. Strong.

Some girls think that because they have a kid with a dude they have to stay forever. It's the rules right? I just wanna let you know that no one can force you to stay if you are unhappy. Be happy!!! Being alone is not that bad!! I very much enjoy my alone time. And I very much enjoy my time with new peeps that are in my life. It's a good balance. Don't think that it's the end of the world! Nice guys do exist! I promise!!!

I don't regret my 7 years. Could I have ended it sooner? Yes. But I least I can say I tried. We tried. And one day both of our boys will know how much we tried. And I think they will be thankful that we didn't stay out of putty for them. They are not growing up in a hostile environment with screaming and name calling. They will be ok and that's what's important.

It's only been a year and I feel fabulous! Can't wait for next year :-)

The power of positive thinking!

"Sour Grape". That's was my nickname for the past few years. One sour ass grape. Always so negative about EVERYTHING! My weight, face, job. Everything. I was so angry and bitched about it all. I thought the world was out to get me. Like I deserved all the bad shit happening in my life. And then I realized that it wasn't me. It was who I was around that was making me feel this way.i don't mean to talk shit...but I kinda do. For years I blamed myself for everything and I sat there trying to figure out how I can make my family work. I cooked, cleaned, washed. Catered to everyone in the house. And still, no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I was "too young" to understand it all. I was "inexperienced". Just a kid you know. It was like a learning process.......so I thought.

I'm so fucken happy bro! Happiest I have been in a long time. My mind is full of POSITIVE thoughts! I manifest good things and good things happen! It works! I promise! I don't say "I want to get out of debt". I say "I'm going to get out of debt"! I know that even more amazing things are ahead for me. I can see it, feel it, smell it!! I make plans ahead of time and stick to them! No more excuses! I won't ever let another man have as much control of me anymore. Ever. I am still on protest mode when it comes to cooking too. Fuck that shit! One day!

So I'm not a sour grape. Never really was. It wasn't me. It was you. I'm thankful for the learning process. I'm much more of a women then I ever was.

Hello 2013!!!

Dude! What's up?!! I hope you are all having an awesome New Year!! I can say that mine has been a bit crazy!! I don't even know where to start! I guess things changed very late December. I was trying desperately to leave something behind! I vowed to let it go and never look back! That was my NY resolution. I was telling myself that I was gonna be ME in 2013 and that I was gonna get a good life going for Nick and I. Things got crazy for a second there. So much gnarly energy from like everywhere. I can't even explain it. Signs. Instincts. Manifestation. It was something. Whatever it was it helped me stay positive that 2013 is gonna be good.

I'm in a good place right now. I have a good job where I meet different people everyday. My work buddies are awesome. I cherish every second with my kid. We had a set back with his health. He was diagnosed with Benign Rolandic Epilepsy. He experienced a shitty seizure. It was the scariest shit that I have EVER seen. I felt helpless. It sucks. I'm reading a lot about it. He'll be ok and grow out of it. I have AMAZING family and friends. I saw how so many people cares for us and I am very grateful for that! Oh and my rosacea is better! I'm still Rosie in the cheeks but I'm not swollen. And I'm more confident with makeup and accessories. Even with clothes! I'm trying to get more colors but I'm such a black/grey girl!! I'm just all in all happy right now. I really am!

I hope you're happy too!

Good night!