I thought certain songs were ruined.

Music is everything to me. I have music on while I'm getting ready, in the shower, while I'm driving, as I walk into work, while I cook, eat dinner, etc. it's on all the time. I would say about 100% of the time, a song pops up and it reminds me of something. It can be any kind of memory. A good one, a bad one. Many that I would love to forget. About 10 mins before I started this blog a song came on and I instantly rolled my eye's and was like "ugh I hate this song now cause it makes me think of..." Then I stopped myself and said "fuck that! This is a great song and I should not allow myself to hate it cause of a certain person or situation"! No one or anything should have that negative affect on you. Seriously! And this isn't about my recent situation with that fake relationship I was in. It's about every situation where music made an impact on my life. Certain songs remind me of certain people. Like the band 112 remind me of Valdez. LL Cool J reminds me of Pancha. That song "Blue" by Eiffel 65 reminds me of Bro. The band Mana reminds me of Lover and Cat. Of course some remind me of dude's. And up until this blog, literally, I tried avoiding those songs. But chingale! I will not let that defy me anymore. I won't stop listening to a song cause I was jaded for like 5 mins. I'm a god damn Virgo! We are some tough cabronas! Like I said not all memories are bad. Each and everytime I hear Juan Gabriel, my very first memory is being 8 years old and going to his concert at the Universal Amphitheater and waiting for him after his concert by his white limo. He came over to our family and his sweaty chunky ass kissed me on my cheek. I remember my parent's were like shoving us forward so this man in an all white suit can kiss us! Haha! I was so grossed out! But NOW, now that I'm 32 and I hear JuanGa, I go back to that moment and I'm so proud that I had it. How great is that now! I got kissed by JuanGa!

Some song make me pause more then others. Especially when it comes to me thinking of a certain loved one that has passed. I have so many that it will be hard to name them all. But just to name a few, my Tio Johnny and his love for The Beatles. I give him 100% credit for instilling them into my head. A few weeks after he passed, I went to see the show 'LOVE'. It's a Cirque show. All Beatles! It reminded me so much of my Tio that I went to get 'In my life' tattooed on me. But it was also my HS graduation song. So it has double meaning. The Eagle's always remind me of Bertha. They come on at the exact perfect moment all the time. The Cure reminds me of Eddie. Sarah Mclachlan reminds me of Ana who passed while I was in HS. I can go on and on. Point I'm trying to desperately make is, at some point these songs made me sad and confused. And I want to always think happy thoughts. Even the ugly break-ups, and the concerts I want to forget. Nope. I had those experiences for a reason. And it's for all these reason's that I have these thoughts and feelings. And I'm grateful for each and every one. Music is life.

Currently playing is Griffin House on Pandora.

I'm an open book. But am I too harsh?

I've always known that I'm not "normal" for chick standards. I'm not very feminine. I really do hate wearing make-up. I hate combing my hair. I cannot stand wearing heels. I am "that gir" walking like I got a stick up my ass. Even now at 32 year's old, I have to FaceTime with quite a few people just to make sure I match and I look ok. I have no sense of style. I definitely consider myself more of a tomboy then a feminine chick. With that being said, I also come with some not so lady like traits. I cuss like a sailor. I have a horrible mouth. I sometimes don't even realize that I'm doing it. I have no idea how I keep it together at work when I am face to face with a guest and they are being assholes. I swear I was a damn dude in my past life. Anyway, with that being said, I also tell it like it is. A lot of times. I'm very blunt and open. I talk about everything with anyone and I give no fucks! I will tell you how to cure your cootchie infection with coconut oil or how to make sure you always use baby wipes after you take a shit and you think you're all clean! I'm also gross and disgusting and will offer to pop your blackheads. I swear there is some loose shit up in my head. So it brings me to the entire point of this rant. Am I too blunt? Am I not aware of other people's feelings as I should be? For example, I wrote a blog a few weeks back. The one about parents and how they never stop helping their kids no matter how old we are. I didn't find the post to be emotional or mean. But my cousin recently read it and gave me his feed back. He thought that I was being too honest. That I was putting my parents on blast on how I was raised and it made them look bad. I was totally confused and had to go back and re-read what I had written. I still don't see the post as mean. And after I read the comments people put on Facebook about it, I knew it wasn't mean. But was I too honest? Was I to hold back? Or am I ok voicing what I feel because other people won't? When I read the comments and saw people write that they could relate, it actually felt kinda good. Especially coming from a Latino stand point. We are all raised very similar and our stories are kinda refreshing. Did it offend my folks? NOPE! My dad called me in tears. He was so moved by it. My mom loved it so much she printed out the blog and all the kick ass comments people wrote about them. So if my parents are ok with me being the way I am. Open, honest, loud, blunt, then I need to be ok with myself. And I need to accept that not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone will understand my humor or my jokes. I'm a pretty amazing person to know but I won't hold back. I am who I am. I love that I'm unique and different and not normal for this worlds standards. And I can't be sorry for that. I won't apologize. Y SAS, se acabo!

Deadpool sucked! I said it!

Ryan Reynolds is in my Top 10. The things I would do to that man would make you blush. He is heaven sent. His body is ridiculous! And I love a man with a sense of humor. He is ideal for sure! One of my favorite movies in the whole wide world is 'The Proposal'. I own it and I still watch it if I catch it on TV. So when I heard that he was having his own "super hero" movie, I was totally excited about it! Then all the hype started and I said I would wait it out until it dies down a bit. I usually wait like a month before I go to the movies to see a new film. Then I got the amazing Amazon Firestick and I have all movies to my disposal. So last night I decided to watch it. I had a few glasses of wine, of course. I was chill and relaxed. And let me just tell you, it was so hard to finish the movie. I was so annoyed with my man Ryan. He took the sarcasm way too far. He looked into the camera way too much and he even used his own name as a reference?! Come on man! Sure it had maybe 1 or 2 scene's where I actually laughed. And it was at the hands of the bartender dude with the glasses. He was seriously way funnier and more entertaining then Deadpool. I don't really understand what the hype was about? Was it because he was more vulgar then most movies these day's? I think he did a jerk-off joke? I just really don't understand what the big deal was. And I'm still a huge Ryan Reynolds fan. But I won't be buying this movie on DVD. I was texting my 2 good friend's throughout the film. One agreed that it was stupid. The other said I hated it because I was a girl haha! I love a ton of action packed films. It wasn't the killing or the language. Clearly I cuss like a god damn fucking sailor! Kill Bill is one of my favorite films ever. So it wasn't the violence. It was just stupid! Sorry Ryan, I love you but please don't do a Deadpool 2.

Wine. I think I love you.

Totally not a secret that I've become a wine snob the past 2, 3 years. Most recently I've learned how to actually shop for good wine. I used to be content with the white wine that was on sale for $5.99! I forever drank white wine because I have a serious case of Rosacea. I've vented about it in some past blogs so I won't go deep into the issue. But anyway, red wine is linked to causing more flare ups with Rosacea sufferers. So I gave it up and figured out I like Moscato. THEN I tried some delicious Pinot Noir. Nice and burgundy. And I said to myself, "chingale, it's a risk I'm willing to take"! And I bitch about it every single time! But I can't help it. I love it. It is so smooth and just yummy! NOW I think I'm big balling and spend anywhere between $15-25 bucks a bottle. I alternate between 4 different bottles. I swear I should have a rewards card for these. I drink so much wine that NicholasG says I'm married to it. Now I don't drink to get drunk. I do however average 2 glasses a night. So 1 bottle usually lasts me 3-4 days. Of course I skip some nights throughout the week. Like one. So you know, I'm disciplined.

And I don't feel bad about it. Red wine has been proven to help lower blood pressure. So much so that when I was knocked up, my doctor RECOMMENDED I drink at least 2 glasses a week! She was amazing! I'll be honest and say I didn't average that. And now thinking back, maybe I should have. Know why? Cause I had a premature baby at 7 months due to high fucking blood pressure! No Manches! If I can turn back time I'd be all over that red wine goodness! Also, I just read that drinking a glass of red wine a night also helps you lose weight AND it has been proven to slow down effects of Breast cancer, depression, and anxiety. Maybe that's why I'm staying skinny these days. Maybe. I can say it's helped with my mental state lately. I for sure am not as fucked in the head as I thought I would be right now. And it calms me down. So it does help with anxiety. Proving that shit. Of course I wake up every morning with my rosey ass cheeks. But I'm learning to live with my Rosacea. I ain't accepting it and I hate it. But I'm learning to live with it. It won't stop me from enjoying my vino.

Tonight's glasses were from one of my favorite bottles. Three Thieves! It is so damn good that I have to stop myself from indulging on another glass. And reason being is because I just binge watched 3 episodes of The Following and I need to get my ass to bed. I'm going to sleep like a baby! I can feel it already. See, I don't need to pop all these sleeping pills. I don't need to be medicated. I have slowed down my brain just enough to have a good nights rest. Another reason I enjoy my Pinot. I can't remember the last time I had a wine hangover. It's so great! So as I sip this last sip, and inhale my lovely essential oil diffuser, I bid you a good night. Salud!

My part of this chapter wasn't over.

Taking deep breaths as I write this, making sure I'm calm and collective. I seem a bit nervous. Maybe because this one means something. Not like the other entries haven't but this one has me a bit vulnerable. I try my hardest as a human to keep it real. I'm very blunt, honest, open. So this is me. This is the Great Stefonsky opening up about one of her weakest moments in her life.

We all have many chapters in our lives. Every single day we either start a chapter, continue it or it ends. Sometimes chapters end in a way you were not expecting at all!! It hits you like a fucking flash. Out of left field! I was just loving the shit out of my chapter. I had all these plans in my head for the next few pages. And I was 1,000% confident that this shit was just the beginning of an amazing story in my book. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for how my chapter ended. But it did and it's done and there is no turning the pages back. It just ended. And now I need the courage to start my next chapter.

I learned a lot from the few pages I did have. I learned that I gave up who I was. I gave 100% of Stefonsky away. Gone. I had no guard up. I realize that now. I lost me. I lost my time. And I was so totally ok with it. I loved giving all of me away. I said to myself that if this was the time to give it your all, then fucking do it! Love with every single cell in your body. Love with every breath that you take! These pages deserve this love and I was capable of giving it. And the pages didn't want all that love. It was just too much. They don't realize how much they deserve the love. But that's OK. It's all going to be OK. Would I erase that chapter if I could? No. Because then I wouldn't have learned that I need to sit back and have someone love me the way I loved. I deserve to feel that type of love. I'm sure it's going to be wonderful. For someone to appreciate me, accept me, handle the mood swings, handle the crazy schedules, handle that I don't have the perfect child. The way I was so accepting of absolutely everything, no matter how much it bothered me, makes me realize that I can love hard. Like fucking hard. So now I wait. And I won't expect it. I won't look for the attention. I will wait for someone to love the shit outta me. And if it never happens, then I'm OK with the chapters in my book. I'll look back at them and see what I learned from every experience I've ever been in, in my life. From relationships, family, friends, work, and just shit! There is always a lesson to be learned. And no matter how much we try to forget some things, if they made you smile and happy at that moment, don't regret it. Just remember how it made you feel. Then imagine all the moments ahead of you! How much better they might be!!