My part of this chapter wasn't over.

Taking deep breaths as I write this, making sure I'm calm and collective. I seem a bit nervous. Maybe because this one means something. Not like the other entries haven't but this one has me a bit vulnerable. I try my hardest as a human to keep it real. I'm very blunt, honest, open. So this is me. This is the Great Stefonsky opening up about one of her weakest moments in her life.

We all have many chapters in our lives. Every single day we either start a chapter, continue it or it ends. Sometimes chapters end in a way you were not expecting at all!! It hits you like a fucking flash. Out of left field! I was just loving the shit out of my chapter. I had all these plans in my head for the next few pages. And I was 1,000% confident that this shit was just the beginning of an amazing story in my book. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for how my chapter ended. But it did and it's done and there is no turning the pages back. It just ended. And now I need the courage to start my next chapter.

I learned a lot from the few pages I did have. I learned that I gave up who I was. I gave 100% of Stefonsky away. Gone. I had no guard up. I realize that now. I lost me. I lost my time. And I was so totally ok with it. I loved giving all of me away. I said to myself that if this was the time to give it your all, then fucking do it! Love with every single cell in your body. Love with every breath that you take! These pages deserve this love and I was capable of giving it. And the pages didn't want all that love. It was just too much. They don't realize how much they deserve the love. But that's OK. It's all going to be OK. Would I erase that chapter if I could? No. Because then I wouldn't have learned that I need to sit back and have someone love me the way I loved. I deserve to feel that type of love. I'm sure it's going to be wonderful. For someone to appreciate me, accept me, handle the mood swings, handle the crazy schedules, handle that I don't have the perfect child. The way I was so accepting of absolutely everything, no matter how much it bothered me, makes me realize that I can love hard. Like fucking hard. So now I wait. And I won't expect it. I won't look for the attention. I will wait for someone to love the shit outta me. And if it never happens, then I'm OK with the chapters in my book. I'll look back at them and see what I learned from every experience I've ever been in, in my life. From relationships, family, friends, work, and just shit! There is always a lesson to be learned. And no matter how much we try to forget some things, if they made you smile and happy at that moment, don't regret it. Just remember how it made you feel. Then imagine all the moments ahead of you! How much better they might be!!