Because I have too!

It’s no secret that I work out. I’m not this crazy work out guru or a professional what so ever. I get compliments that I “stay fit” or as I like to call it “Stay MILFY”. Can I look better? Totally! We all can! Do I have the motivation, time or patience to look extra bomb.com? NOPE! I work out 2x a week. 3x if I am feeling gangster or a little extra pudgy around the waist line. Do I wake up every morning and say “I can’t wait to get my ass kicked at crossfit tonight”! Totally not! I work out because I HAVE TOO! Not necessarily because I want too. Here’s the thing. I am 5’1.5”. I have been this height since I was 15 years old. I ain’t gonna grow! So, if I eat like crap and not do any physical activity, I will stay short and pudgy. Now that’s not gonna happen. There isn’t anything against it but me personally, I don’t enjoy being heavier then I should. Even right now with my semi-healthy habits and my work outs, I am considered “overweight” for whoever decided that in the science/health world. No really I am! By like 15 pounds! Now although I have dropped down to my “ideal weight” before, it looked bad! I was seriously asked if I had a drug problem or if I was depressed. I got down to 115! I lost my boobs, which I have blogged about before. I was way too skinny! I enjoy having meat on my bones. So, I plumped up a bit. Now I am at a very happy weight. 130 lbs. I fluctuate between 130-134. I can wear size 0 pants, 2, 3 and 4. Literally I fit into all those sizes. Most girls won’t admit their weight or size. But I’m not like most girls. And I want girls to know that it is ok to be above weight from what the stupid internet says you have to be. Again, I stay fit because I have too! I am getting stronger, toned and tight! And I like how my butt and thighs look in jeans! This world has these girls thinking that they have to be stupid skinny cause that’s what men enjoy. No baby girl, men love meat and something to grab a hold of. Stop trying to be all anorexic. Do you think I deprive myself? No no no! I can have a full all veggie meal one day and a medium pepperoni pizza to myself the next. Then I’ll work out to balance my meals! Of course it also helps with my blood pressure and other health crap. I still eat meat. I’ve discussed that before. How I can’t fully stop eating meat. Butcher’s daughter man. It’s in my blood! But yes, I do semi eat better. I eat kosher organic potato chips instead of a bag of flamin’ hots. I miss you flamin’ hots! BUT the change has been good. And I’ve even convinced a ton of my friends to love the chips I love! Do I have Capri suns at home for my son? Nope! I have organic pressed juice. Do I own milk? Nope. We drink only almond milk. Little changes like that do make a difference believe it or not. I am proof of it. I maintain my weight and body form by making those little changes and getting off my ass 2x a week. It really isn’t that difficult. When I hear people making excuses like “I have to make dinner when I get home, the kids have homework, I have to wash clothes, work was too stressful”…Ok so, you’re telling me you don’t have an additional 30 minutes to spare before bed? I do all those things and then some! Sometimes before bed, I literally do sit-ups, pushups and squats. Nothing too crazy. I just do them before I lay down. Bust them out! Right by your bed! Even 20 mins a day makes a difference. Imagine that! You start TODAY! At work, I started this habit. I do 20 squats before I have to use the restroom. Literally! So there are days when just at work I do 80-100 squats before I even get home! And I am proud to say that some of the girls have joined me! One girl does 10 instead of 20. But she does 10! And she loves it! I also get the girls to take a 5 minute stretch break. And we all stand in the office and I lead a stretch session! Little things people, little things! So, when I get asked why I work out or eat the way I do…it will always be the same answer, because I have too!

The tradition is lost.

Traditions have changed in my family. I’m sure in everyone’s families. But today I am specifically talking about mine and what has changed for us. When we were younger, I remember having HUGE family get togethers. Sometimes our house, but usually at grandma’s. At least for my dad’s side. I remember my mom and Nina and Tia’s all hustling around the house cleaning and cooking. I remember my mom used to cut up a huge black trash bag and tape it to our kitchen table and Cat and I would have to sit there and spread masa all over tamale leaves. Are they called leaves? Anyway, you know what I mean. I remember my dad driving to the liquor store to pick up bottles and bottles of booze and beer. And boxes of those chocolates with alcohol in them. We used to be rebellious and steal them and think we were drunk! We had a party house for sure! Our families would come over and everyone was so dressed up. Us girls with big ass moños on our heads. The men and young boys in their suits! Usually all the siblings matched in some way. With our ruffle chonies that my mom would buy us. Cat and I hated dressing the same LOL! Our cousins all dressed the same too! I remember one New Year’s Eve party that our beloved angel Eddie was present for. Him and Steven had matching shirts and cowboy hats on! So funny! Why do parents do that?! I get it if the kids are twins but really, we were all 1-2-3 years apart! Glad I only have one kid! Anyway, everyone would come over and just get hammered! Music blazing, food being served. The men always ate first. Typical Mexicans! Kids were usually kicked out to a table the adults made for us and we all just did our own thing. This was usually the case for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. NYE was usually THE BEST! Especially when the Marcianos all busted out their guitars and sang the night away. But now that we are all older and have our own children, we do our thing. A lot of people have moved away from California or just the L.A. area and no one wants to drive anywhere. For 1 it is expensive and time consuming. I, of all people know this all too well. I am ALWAYS in California and Arizona. It takes a huge toll on my finances and time! So when the holiday’s roll around and I’ve already been to Cali/AZ about 4, 5x a year…I don’t want to go again! And I know it sucks cause I miss my family and my son misses his cousins but it’s just not that easy anymore. And then I look at what my family is doing out there and no one even gets together! It unfortunately takes something tragic for all of us to get together or MONTHS and I mean MONTHS of planning. And that is so sad! Our kids will never know what it’s like to be under one roof during a holiday and actually enjoy each other. I think my son and I have spent Christmas/Thanksgiving in Cali 2x? AZ 2x? I can’t even remember! This year is no different. I actually work until 5 pm. I won’t even be spending the day with my son. I’ll see him Christmas evening. Good thing is I’m off the next 2 days after that but still. We don’t have a tradition with him and it sucks. So I am super grateful for the upbringing that I did have. For the memories that still linger in my head. For the pictures that we got to take and look back on and smile. To see the faces of those that are no longer with us and be happy that we shared that with them. Maybe our kids will start their own traditions. But for our generation, something went wrong. And it wasn’t just me moving away. The efforts are just not made. I wish I can say things will change. Or I will make them change. I just don’t have that power over everyone. I do know that I miss it and I will forever cherish these pictures and memories in my head.

Santa isn't real?! No!

There comes a time in your child’s life that they just stop believing. Sorry but it’s true. They realize you’ve lied to them all these years. Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and hell, even ‘Jesus’. And no matter how much you try to keep their innocent minds into these fictional characters, well they figure it out! My son learned at a very young age that none of these things exist. And when he asked I told him the truth. “ You are right Nick, these things are all fake”. I explained to him that “Santa and the Easter Bunny” are mainly used to threatened your child to be good or else they won’t get anything for those holiday’s. And we have all done it. We have all held that over our kids heads, “if you aren’t good in school, Santa won’t bring you a present”! My kid straight up said to me one time, maybe 2-3 years ago (that’s how long he hasn’t believed) ‘mom I know you write Santa on the wrapping paper’. What was I going to do? Continue to lie to my kid! No! I told him he was right. Now I tell him “ay fool, if you are bad in school, you aren’t getting shizzle from me for your bday or xmas”! And it seems to work a lot better than lying to him about some non-existent character miraculously delivering gifts to the entire world in one night. I remember people telling me that I was mean for telling him the truth. That he is young and innocent and Santa and the Easter bunny are cute and fun. Yes I get that but I’m also a very different kinda mom. I’m very honest with my son even at his young age. I tell him like it is. Like when he says “I’m gonna be 9 mom, I am almost a teenager”. I then tell him “learn to wipe your nalgas the right way then talk to me about being a teenager”! And when he brings up how his friends talk about church or who they believe in, he asks me “is it ok if I don’t believe in ‘Jesus’ or a church?” Again, I tell him he doesn’t have to believe in anything that doesn’t seem right to him. Why would I force anything on him that I can’t even explain? I think he’s pretty sharp. Granted he’s my kid and of course I’m going to say that. But he says stuff that I didn’t think about when I was his age. He also says how we can’t be the only people in this galaxy and how aliens exist and are probably smarter than us. He once said he was going to work for NASA to prove Aliens exist. I explained to him that NASA or the government would probably have him sent to jail if he reveals the truth because those people don’t want the world to know. He said he would do it anyway. And if he did, I would be so proud of him! I don’t want his brain to be sheltered and caged in by the standards that we live in these days. No offense to you ‘elf on the shelf’ peeps but really?! I just cannot ever see myself doing that with my kid. He would probably laugh in my face! Instead I show him the chancla and tell him to be good that way! No manches! To each their own. And you should already know I will speak my mind. I raise my kid my way! I’m not really a sugar-coating kinda person. Not just in being a mom. But like in everything that comes out of my mouth! Nick will be the same way. He already is. And I get embarrassed sometimes but then I just realize he is speaking his mind. He isn’t lying. He’s not being rude he is just being truthful. Maybe he will be a writer one day!

Condoms and Tampons: Double-Standard

There are many things as women that we deal with that men will never really know about. I mean they can try to understand it but they will never really get it you know? My girlfriend and I were talking a while back about double-standards when it comes to men and women. The 2 things that her and I discussed were Condoms and Tampons. No one likes to just get up, as a woman, and say "I can't wait to get to the store to buy my condoms and tampons". We hate it. Especially tampons! But why do the majority of women feel embarrassed about buying products to stop the bleeding coming from their vagina?! Yes it isn't our favorite thing to do but it's something we HAVE to do. Cause for some goddamn reason we were blessed with our lovely woman part! I personally don't get ashamed but I know a ton of women do. And they get super embarrassed as they are in the counter. Almost kinda hiding their products cause they don't want others to see it. Like why?! Why be embarrassed! At least you're not pregnant! But when a dude goes to the store to buy his heina tampons, he's considered like a hero! "Like, OMG, my BF is so nice he totally went to the store for me and bought me my women products and even threw in some ice cream"! No your boyfriend isn't a fucking hero! You are your own damn hero! Get your own damn tampons and don't be ashamed about it!
The next one is condoms! I personally don't buy any because I am a virgin and I don't do that nasty stuff. My child is adopted. But anyway, I know SO MANY chicks that HATE buying condoms! My GF and I were saying how if a chick is buying condoms and someone notices, they look at them all weird and judge. Instead of being like "ok she is being careful and doesn't want to get knocked up", she's looked at like a skanky putita! BUT if a dude is buying condoms, what is the reaction? "Ah yeah dog, you gonna get some of that cootchie cootch"! Totally a double-standard!
So women! You be glad that you are taking care of you vag! You buy your own tampons, pads, vag wipes, sprays and you buy the realistic condoms you need to buy! Homie don't need those magnums anyway!

Sometimes it is hard to "mother".

We have all had our day's as mother's where you JUST CAN'T! And of course some feel guilty about feeling this way or thinking this way, so leave it up to me to tell you, "you are not alone"! 

Recently the love of my life, the fuel to my soul, the mint to my chocolate chips has been a little mouthy. More then usual. Homie acts like he can talk to me like a damn 18 year old talking to his friend's! I have tried to talk to him, yell at him, take shit away, spank his nalgas with a chancla, but to no avail, my NicholasG gives no fucks! 

Yesterday was a hard one for me. He just kept whining and making dog noises and growling. Like being weird and random as fuck. Yes I know what you are saying if you personally know me, "he is just like you Steph". YES but modified to like 100! So anyway, I had had enough! I was at witt's end and after I raised my voice to a level psycho, I told him, "I need to walk away from you for a bit" and I did. I locked myself in my bathroom and took a few deep breaths. I even sagged myself to try to calm the fuck down. I didn't want to spank him or even acknowledge his behavior further. I texted some of my closets girlfriends to assist me and also spoke to Pancha. She has 2 boys and she has known NicholasG his entire life. So she calmed me down and told me to ignore it, stop yelling and just let it go. So anyway, I come out of the restroom after psycho level went down to stressed out mom level and this little nugget is cleaning his room, picking up all his clothes, hanging everything up, arraigning his shoes! Hijo de su chingada madre!!! He totally knew how to smooth things over with me. He knew that he fucked up and how I hate seeing his room messy, so he did what he knew best: Make Mom happy again! And I couldn't help but be grateful for him understanding. So he gets to bed, no big deal. I waited until this morning to calmly talk to him. I told him how we are not even promised the next 5 mins of our lives! How we need to be kind with each other and the one person he needs to respect the most is his mother! I kissed his stinky head, wished him an amazing day, rubbed some essential oils on him and told him I would see him later.

See, we are allowed to lose our shit every now and then. And it is perfectly OK! No one is perfect. You are not perfect! Stop trying to follow these charts about development and behavior and what is right for their age. Cause I am telling you right fucking now, EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT!!! Every single 8 year old is differnet from the next. We gotta stop stressing about our kids being perfect. I need to tell myself this every single day. Not every kids makes up Michael Jackson outfits out of his closet clothes. They are all special little shits and all we gotta do is love them, accept them and learn from them. 

Ms. Independent

Now this isn't one of those "I'm totally single and hating men" blogs. It is more of a realization kinda blog. Where I have realized so much since my last relationship ended. I realized that I wasn't really "doing me". I was doing everything possible to make everyone around me happy and not really doing what made me happy. I've wanted happiness so much that I've felt that I always have to be in a relationship. I take a few weeks or months off and there I go, looking for heartbreak all over again. I look for that companionship. I look for attention and for comfort. And clearly, it has been with the wrong people. But that's what life is about right? To learn from your mistakes. So here I am, single, adulting, being more of a mother. I've always been a mother of course. I have my son almost 100% full time. BUT could I have been a better mother in the past? Absofuckenlutley. Am I making up for what I feel is lost time? Totally! Now, the last relationship I was in, we actually involved our kids a lot. They had it good. We kept busy. BUT my attention was else where. I wanted to be in this relationship so bad that I can see it now how I was giving my son less attention. I was on the phone a lot, texting, tagging on social media. And for that I am totally sorry. I'm glad I went through those things cause now I see how much of an assholoe I've been the past few years as a technically "single mom".
The past 5 months have been the SHIT for #NicholasG and I. We have been to California 2x, Arizona the same. We do stuff almost every single chance we get. We go hiking, out for sushi, swimming, shopping, family events. We have a ton of movie nights. Usually shoot for 1x a week where we eat like shit, have popcorn and cuddle on the couch. He goes to Crossfit with me and participates. We are such a great team. We sleep in when we can and we don't have to make set plans if we don't want too. We cancel when we want and do our own thing. When I don't have him, I do what I want, when I want it and with who. And if I seriously want to be 100% alone on a day that I can, you best believe I cancel whatever the fuck I want. I don't feel guilty either. Cause why should I? And I know some of you might be all chingonas and say "I've always done that. I always do me". Well good for fucking you! I wish I had the balls and the independence that I have now and that I am practicing. I didn't have this in the past. I didn't know how to say No to others and Yes to me. I didn't know how fun it would be to not leave my apartment 1x on my 2 days off. I am seriously enjoying myself. I love being this Independent. I am loving myself more. I practice how to take care of myself and my child more. And now I think that I will have a really hard time giving my attention to another in the far future. I think I am growing a tiny bit selfish with my time. I really think it's going to be hard for me to let someone else in. And for that, I can finally say I am proud of myself.

Own it!!

I hear it time and time again. "Own it." Mainly it has to do with my face. If you've read my other blogs or know me personally, you know what I'm talking about. But I for sure have many other insecurities. My cellulite, stretch marks, lonjitas, no ass, no boobs, the list goes on and on. And no matter what I try to do to fix one issue, I always find myself bitching and complaining about something else I find wrong with me. Like, I can never just be happy with ME! I for sure know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know a lot of men that are insecure about themselves. So it's definitely not a chick tantrum. Men always wanna be bigger, and have bigger legs, and a V-shaped waist, etc. I've heard it first hand. We all complain about something! I don't know one single person in my life that is 100% confident with themselves. And all the power to you if you do. I don't mean to offend anyone, but we all play this role on social media, (myself included) where we look so hot one day so we post a selfie. How many of us post the very first shot? Very few and far in between. We zoom in on it. We find we don't like how our eyes looked, the angle, the hair, pansa, our smile, etc. Then we finally take a good one and you're all proud and shit and then use filters on top of everything else you just fixed about the pic! We are not fully satisfied with what we have, what we see in ourselves. Again, maybe it's just me but I doubt it.

Why is that though? Why is it that we can't just fucking own it! Accept the fact that you don't stop breaking out after your teen years, stretch marks don't go away, ever! Cellulite exists no matter how skinny you are, your tits are gonna sag unless you get them done, and it's harder to get rid of a beer gut. This is it man. This is who we are. The Universe created us just the way we are supposed to be. We need to love ourselves. I should take my own advice every single day and tell myself this every single morning, but it's hard. Who's to say you can't grow more confident though? With accepting all these things and just loving ourselves, who's to say that this won't work! I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna love me. I'm gonna accept the fact that I don't ever have to wear blush cause my rosacea helps me with that. I'm gonna accept my saggy chichis cause I fit into cute smaller tops now. Ok, I'll probably still get a boob job! But I gotta love my tiger striped boobs and thighs. Because of them, it shows I carried another human that made me a mom. I got this. We got this. The more love we have for ourselves, the more love we will be able to give and then the Universe will be a happier place!

My cousin Pitufo said to me the other day that it doesn't matter what I look like, that if I'm confident in ME, that people don't even see the flaws I see in myself. I think this applies to every thing. We just need to accept it, learn from it, and ignore it. If we apply this practice daily, weekly, we'll be the most happiest, chillaxed, peeps ever!


Free your soul

I hope he never forgets.

My son and I recently took a 5 day trip to Arizona. Doesn't exactly sound like a tropical vacation, but it was just right for us. We got out of town, which is always great! This trip was planned under different circumstances months ago. And when shit hit the fan, I didn't want to go anymore. I could have cancelled but decided to go anyway. I'm so glad I did. We saw some cool ass shit! We were attached to the hip more then usual. We were stuck in a car for hours at a time. And get this, he went hours without electronics cause I purposely didn't bring the iPad charger! Chingale! Our road trips sucked ass as kids! We were LUCKY if we even had a walk-man. Usually my bro had that and the fucker wouldn't share. I can remember him even carrying extra AA batteries. Anyway, point being I was that mom that was like "fuck it mijo, now we gotta talk, sing, read...!" I'm very lucky to have a kid that loves to read. So his ass was saved by his Star Wars books and Captain Underpants books. Other then that, he heard my glorious singing and even sang along to Jack Johnson, Mayer Hawthorne and Mana! We talked about what his favorite things were and a few times I shut down the music and just had him read to me. I learned more about Star Wars then ever before. And that Captain Underpants can be naughty but I kinda like the shit it says.

He asked a few times if we can stop and buy a charger. I literally ignored him. I was NOT about to buy a new iPad charger so my son can be glued to a freaking screen! Electronics all the damn time! I am so glad my folks live off the grid cause Wifi is not something we can have on 24/7! He learned that quick! He was actually outside! Him and I even had a light saber fight. He convinced my dad to buy him 2. So we were outside and we had a battle. He was outside during a rain storm and was jumping in the puddles. He was outside during a hail storm. He was.....a boy!

Then we saw some pretty chingon stuff. Dinosaur tracks. Dino bones preserved into the ground. Dino teeth and preserved Dino poop! He actually almost broke a piece of turd into pieces but my dad and Tio stopped him. Thanks dad for the extra light saber!!! From the Dino poop, we drove to Antelope Canyon. Holy fuck that place is BEAUTIFUL! I can't even describe the beauty of it! Certain way the light hits the canyon, certain angles, certain walls. It is something everyone should see. The fact that I was standing on what used to be part of the sea. It was just amazing. I asked NicholasG what was one of his favorite parts of his trip and he said Antelope Canyon. He, an 8 year old, was impressed! From there we went to Horseshoe Bend. Ok, so anyone with a kid under 13, you will be nervous as shit to take your kid. There is NO railing at all. Google that shit! He was mad that I wouldn't let him see over the edge! No manches! Even I was all flustered! My heart rate was all high and shit! So pretty though! Ok so then the next day he and I went to Sedona. One of my favorite places ever! It is such a chill city. I love everything about it. We did an off-road tour to the top of the mountains. It was the perfect weather. I loved it. He was kinda bored of this one. Maybe cause we was the only kid on the tour. Then, the next day we hit up Deer Farm in Williams. I did not enjoy seeing caged up animals to be honest. I loved that the deer were 100% free though. I asked where the animals came from. The girl told me that most were brought to them cause some person decided they can't domesticate a monkey, pig, kangaroo, etc., and then realized they couldn't keep them anymore. So I felt semi better knowing they were rescued. But still, it sucks to see that shit. Ok so the last thing we did was, on our way back home, NicholasG kept asking what the Hoover Dam looked like. So I stopped before we got home. We crossed the bridge and he was able to see it first hand.

We did a lot. I am still exhausted! I drove a lot. I ate a lot. I spent a shit load of money. It was all 100% worth it. I am so glad we took this trip. I hope he remembers this. He is a very lucky kid. A lot of kids don't have the opportunity to travel the way he does. Let's hope this gets engraved in his head!

No son, you can't ride your bike to school.

NicholasG has been asking me to let him ride his bike to school alone. For one, in order to get to his school, he has to ride up this big ass hill to get there. I see people struggle doing that hill that are my age or older. So that's a no! Then he has to cross about 7 street lights and 3 neighborhoods to get there. Not gonna happen. One of the main reason's I will never allow it is because he isn't street smart. He is a timid little boy and he literally will talk and leave with strangers. My kid is the kid that would leave with a man or woman at the park that offers him candy or to see a new puppy! See, when I was growing up, we grew up in the streets. With all the neighbor kids. We would ride our bikes up and down the block. And we all stayed out until we all got called in for dinner. We used to walk 2, 3 miles to school. We used to meet our friends early in the morning and walk together. Sometimes by myself. In JR High, I would walk to Murry's house then we would pick up Ceci and walk together. Rain or shine! We never got rides. In HS, I either took the city bus or I would get a ride from a sibling or very rarely my mom. We were always in the streets. Paying $1 for the Montebello bus to take us to the mall and hanging out at AMC theatres. We were never home and we always had a posse with us. Things are just not like that anymore. Reality.
The topic of him riding his bike to school has recently came up more often. I showed my son 2 kick ass movies. The Sandlot and My Girl. What do they show in those movies? Every single thing we did as a kids. Riding bikes, staying out late, causing trouble. Looking like a bunch of huerfanos with dirt all up on our faces. So he asked "why don't kids do that anymore"? And I had to tell him that the world has gone to shit and we can't trust our own neighbors. I had to tell him that kids are getting kidnapped, raped, beaten, bullied at an alarming rate cause the world is full of crazy fucks. I had to tell him that people suck and he can't trust just anyone. But he doesn't get it! He thinks everyone is good! A few weeks ago I had a cousin come into town. He hung out with her while I was at work. They were at the park watching a tournament and in seconds NicholasG disappeared. She and her husband scrambled to look for him and he was on the basketball court talking to a man. No one else around. The man said he was just teaching him how to play. Can you imagine what could have happened if she found him a minute late? And when I talked to him about it, he just looked totally normal and said "he was nice mom. He was going to teach me". What the actual fuck? This kid has no sense of fear of getting kidnapped or hurt. He has no Stranger Danger in him. How freaking scary is that? I am beyond paranoid even when we go to a store cause he walks away FAST! I scream for him quick! But I can't be holding his hand like a little baby anymore! He gives no fucks man and just takes off! He doesn't think anyone can ever hurt him. I can hear some of you now "omg control your kid....wow she has no power over him, etc..." Listen man, my kid has always been a special little human! He is his VERY OWN person. And every single kid is different! And he came outta my lady parts, so SAS! Trust me when I say I want my son to have a normal childhood like I did. He does go outside and play with the kids in our complex. But there isn't much they can do. It's a freaking apartment building! I will one day move to a super nice ass neighborhood where kids play outside and everyone is cool with each other. I want him to be outside more and making neighborhood friends. A few of my longest friendships are still going because of Eastman Ave. I wish the same for my son. I'm totally going to make it happen.

I'm a boring friend

I have tons of friend's. Everywhere. Different state's, cities, friend's that I haven't seen in year's and friend's that I've never even met! HI LAUREN & RICH! ;-) But I'm not a 'CLINGY' friend. I don't get sad if we can't hang out every weekend. Or my day's off. I'll totally make an effort for a breakfast, lunch or dinner date but if it doesn't happen, then I'm really OK with that. I enjoy my close friend's that I have cause they get it. They get that I rather be home on a Friday night reading a book or watching 'Girls' and ignoring my phone. And those are the best kinda friend's! The kind that don't get all nalga hurt if you don't wanna kick it. As I get older, those clingy type of people get on my nerves! I see it all the time. Like damn, let me breathe! Just cause I don't specifically want to physically leave my house doesn't mean I hate you or am mad at you. I just legit like being alone. I hear it all the time "omg you're such an old lady...Dude live a little...You live in Vegas, why don't you go out?" Where is there a rule that says I HAVE to go out cause I'm single and cause of the city I live in? It's not that I'm old it's just that my priorities have changed. I honestly give no fucks about the social scene. I'm so content with sitting at a bar with a friend or without, playing video poker with a glass of whiskey or wine, having an occasional cigarette and just chillin' for an hour or two. To some that's boring, to me that's relaxation time. I can't stand big crowds. I almost feel like I'm gonna get anxiety if I'm around a shit load of people. I never used to be this way. I'm a total freaking social butterfly. But lately I just want to talk to a select few. And they know who they are ;-) AND by being social, it means me sitting at a GF's house having wine, and getting home by 10:00 pm. Me staying out past 11 is like danger zone. I'm tired for 48 hours after that! It honestly takes me two day's to recover from a late night. That's why I won't do it. I hear shit from my family when they visit Vegas cause I won't go out with them. For 1, I work on weekends, I have for the past 4.5 year's. So you try going out to a club and getting 3, 4 hour's of sleep. Fuck No! Not worth it to me. It's just not my style anymore. I rather chill with my kid and do kid shit then adult shit. I don't want to adult! And everyone that has opinions about my lack of social encounters really don't mean shit to me. Clingy people are sad people I think. The kind that NEED to be with people. The kind that HAVE to do something every free chance they get. I understand that I should "take advantage" of times when I don't have my son but I really don't want too. I'm still a fun person. I mean I crack myself up every day. I just don't find it necessary to have to please people. Who knows, maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. Maybe it has everything to do with my current job. It drains me from people. It makes me want to hide out and never ever visit with unnecessary humans again!

Skinny is not the business.

I've talked about my weight loss, my change of eating habits, my weekly workouts, and all that other healthy shit. I try to not preach or give too much input. What works for me works for me. The weight I've lost has been a tough task. When someone asks me "what do you do? How did you lose all that weight?" I tell them the truth. I stopped eating like shit. I stopped cooking with tons of fat and yes, I spend a stupid amount of money on food that is labeled "organic, gluten free, non gmo, dairy free, etc". And it's totally sad that we have to spend more money eating "healthier". I have my cheat day's for sure!!! It has been a huge challenge to stop the tortillas. Oh my gaaaa! Tortillas smothered in mantequilla! Dude bomb! We just grew up and got accustomed to so many bad habits. Yes they are delicious but not the greatest. And the hormones and all the other shit they add to the food now as opposed to what I grew up with has changed drastically.
I'm "petite" for the most part. Always have been. Some of my nieces are taller then me. But it took me a long time to develop. For all of us. Everyone I grew up with. But these girls now and days look so grown! They are more developed then my generation. They look older. They have bigger boobs and are just thicker, taller. It's because of all the shit that's in the food. Look at the big ass pieces of chicken breast you find at the grocery store. Compare that to an organic chicken that hasn't had any added shit to them. They pump up the food so much, you really have to stop and think what the hell you are putting in your body. Yes I know we are all gonna die. No shit! But I have a kid. I want to live longer, disease free. I want my kid to live a long healthy life. I want his bones to be strong and natural. I want us both to be active and not sick all the time. I honestly cannot even remember the last time my child was sick *knocks on wood*. He has taken antibiotics once in his life. One time! And that's when we found out he was allergic to penicillin.
That being said, with the shit I no longer put in me, I've lost some unwanted and unnecessary fat. Yes even my boobs, cause that's all fat too. I'm still not used to being a saggy "A cup" but there they are. Gorilla tits and all. I lost my poor excuse of an ass that I used to have. Yes I squat in class and at home but I'm still more bones then anything. I'm officially annoyed at being 'skinny'. I was texting my 2 primas about this today. They are skinny little heinas too. I texted them a pic of me with my new shorts. Super cute. Size 0. They don't fit me. They are too big at the waist. I tried on a size 00. Those made my little lonja stick out and I looked like a ghetto ass Mexican shopping at Walmart trying to look all firme. So I opted for the 0. Arlae and I were both bitching on how we hate being so skinny. Then Dayis says, 'sorry to be the positive one in a depressing text....I FINALLY FIT INTO A 1'. Little bitch! LOL! I never thought I would complain about my skinny ass. Especially because I worked so hard to get to where I am. But I miss the meat man. I miss having an ass full of fat. I miss having to struggle to put on jeans. It's nice to hear the compliments for sure. Cause I know I look better then I did a year ago. I get that. But what you don't get is, shopping even in the petite section can get tough. It's hard to find extra smalls or jeans and shorts that fit right. And I can't even tell you how much I weigh right now. All I know is it fluctuates between 115-120. I just know I need a whole new fucking wardrobe. I did tell my primas that I want to have 3 cheat meals a week now haha! By that I mean maybe more tortillas and an occasional pan dulce. I want meat back on me. Guy's don't like skinny ass chicks. They should have something to hold on too. I'm really tempted to eat these chicharones my cousin left at my place. But I think I'll get heartburn. I really see myself gaining back 5-10 more pounds in the next month or so. I have my fingers crossed that all the pan will go straight to my chichis and nalgas. My girlfriend also suggested I bring flammin' hots back into my life. I haven't decided on those just yet. Those are bad news for me! I will continue to workout how I do. Will add more weights to my routines. Hopefully gain some muscle. I can't complain about my pansa. I like it right now. So let's just hope I can keep it ;-) Anyone need a shirt washed? I got you! LOL! Conceited ass heina!

I thought certain songs were ruined.

Music is everything to me. I have music on while I'm getting ready, in the shower, while I'm driving, as I walk into work, while I cook, eat dinner, etc. it's on all the time. I would say about 100% of the time, a song pops up and it reminds me of something. It can be any kind of memory. A good one, a bad one. Many that I would love to forget. About 10 mins before I started this blog a song came on and I instantly rolled my eye's and was like "ugh I hate this song now cause it makes me think of..." Then I stopped myself and said "fuck that! This is a great song and I should not allow myself to hate it cause of a certain person or situation"! No one or anything should have that negative affect on you. Seriously! And this isn't about my recent situation with that fake relationship I was in. It's about every situation where music made an impact on my life. Certain songs remind me of certain people. Like the band 112 remind me of Valdez. LL Cool J reminds me of Pancha. That song "Blue" by Eiffel 65 reminds me of Bro. The band Mana reminds me of Lover and Cat. Of course some remind me of dude's. And up until this blog, literally, I tried avoiding those songs. But chingale! I will not let that defy me anymore. I won't stop listening to a song cause I was jaded for like 5 mins. I'm a god damn Virgo! We are some tough cabronas! Like I said not all memories are bad. Each and everytime I hear Juan Gabriel, my very first memory is being 8 years old and going to his concert at the Universal Amphitheater and waiting for him after his concert by his white limo. He came over to our family and his sweaty chunky ass kissed me on my cheek. I remember my parent's were like shoving us forward so this man in an all white suit can kiss us! Haha! I was so grossed out! But NOW, now that I'm 32 and I hear JuanGa, I go back to that moment and I'm so proud that I had it. How great is that now! I got kissed by JuanGa!

Some song make me pause more then others. Especially when it comes to me thinking of a certain loved one that has passed. I have so many that it will be hard to name them all. But just to name a few, my Tio Johnny and his love for The Beatles. I give him 100% credit for instilling them into my head. A few weeks after he passed, I went to see the show 'LOVE'. It's a Cirque show. All Beatles! It reminded me so much of my Tio that I went to get 'In my life' tattooed on me. But it was also my HS graduation song. So it has double meaning. The Eagle's always remind me of Bertha. They come on at the exact perfect moment all the time. The Cure reminds me of Eddie. Sarah Mclachlan reminds me of Ana who passed while I was in HS. I can go on and on. Point I'm trying to desperately make is, at some point these songs made me sad and confused. And I want to always think happy thoughts. Even the ugly break-ups, and the concerts I want to forget. Nope. I had those experiences for a reason. And it's for all these reason's that I have these thoughts and feelings. And I'm grateful for each and every one. Music is life.

Currently playing is Griffin House on Pandora.

I'm an open book. But am I too harsh?

I've always known that I'm not "normal" for chick standards. I'm not very feminine. I really do hate wearing make-up. I hate combing my hair. I cannot stand wearing heels. I am "that gir" walking like I got a stick up my ass. Even now at 32 year's old, I have to FaceTime with quite a few people just to make sure I match and I look ok. I have no sense of style. I definitely consider myself more of a tomboy then a feminine chick. With that being said, I also come with some not so lady like traits. I cuss like a sailor. I have a horrible mouth. I sometimes don't even realize that I'm doing it. I have no idea how I keep it together at work when I am face to face with a guest and they are being assholes. I swear I was a damn dude in my past life. Anyway, with that being said, I also tell it like it is. A lot of times. I'm very blunt and open. I talk about everything with anyone and I give no fucks! I will tell you how to cure your cootchie infection with coconut oil or how to make sure you always use baby wipes after you take a shit and you think you're all clean! I'm also gross and disgusting and will offer to pop your blackheads. I swear there is some loose shit up in my head. So it brings me to the entire point of this rant. Am I too blunt? Am I not aware of other people's feelings as I should be? For example, I wrote a blog a few weeks back. The one about parents and how they never stop helping their kids no matter how old we are. I didn't find the post to be emotional or mean. But my cousin recently read it and gave me his feed back. He thought that I was being too honest. That I was putting my parents on blast on how I was raised and it made them look bad. I was totally confused and had to go back and re-read what I had written. I still don't see the post as mean. And after I read the comments people put on Facebook about it, I knew it wasn't mean. But was I too honest? Was I to hold back? Or am I ok voicing what I feel because other people won't? When I read the comments and saw people write that they could relate, it actually felt kinda good. Especially coming from a Latino stand point. We are all raised very similar and our stories are kinda refreshing. Did it offend my folks? NOPE! My dad called me in tears. He was so moved by it. My mom loved it so much she printed out the blog and all the kick ass comments people wrote about them. So if my parents are ok with me being the way I am. Open, honest, loud, blunt, then I need to be ok with myself. And I need to accept that not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone will understand my humor or my jokes. I'm a pretty amazing person to know but I won't hold back. I am who I am. I love that I'm unique and different and not normal for this worlds standards. And I can't be sorry for that. I won't apologize. Y SAS, se acabo!

Deadpool sucked! I said it!

Ryan Reynolds is in my Top 10. The things I would do to that man would make you blush. He is heaven sent. His body is ridiculous! And I love a man with a sense of humor. He is ideal for sure! One of my favorite movies in the whole wide world is 'The Proposal'. I own it and I still watch it if I catch it on TV. So when I heard that he was having his own "super hero" movie, I was totally excited about it! Then all the hype started and I said I would wait it out until it dies down a bit. I usually wait like a month before I go to the movies to see a new film. Then I got the amazing Amazon Firestick and I have all movies to my disposal. So last night I decided to watch it. I had a few glasses of wine, of course. I was chill and relaxed. And let me just tell you, it was so hard to finish the movie. I was so annoyed with my man Ryan. He took the sarcasm way too far. He looked into the camera way too much and he even used his own name as a reference?! Come on man! Sure it had maybe 1 or 2 scene's where I actually laughed. And it was at the hands of the bartender dude with the glasses. He was seriously way funnier and more entertaining then Deadpool. I don't really understand what the hype was about? Was it because he was more vulgar then most movies these day's? I think he did a jerk-off joke? I just really don't understand what the big deal was. And I'm still a huge Ryan Reynolds fan. But I won't be buying this movie on DVD. I was texting my 2 good friend's throughout the film. One agreed that it was stupid. The other said I hated it because I was a girl haha! I love a ton of action packed films. It wasn't the killing or the language. Clearly I cuss like a god damn fucking sailor! Kill Bill is one of my favorite films ever. So it wasn't the violence. It was just stupid! Sorry Ryan, I love you but please don't do a Deadpool 2.

Wine. I think I love you.

Totally not a secret that I've become a wine snob the past 2, 3 years. Most recently I've learned how to actually shop for good wine. I used to be content with the white wine that was on sale for $5.99! I forever drank white wine because I have a serious case of Rosacea. I've vented about it in some past blogs so I won't go deep into the issue. But anyway, red wine is linked to causing more flare ups with Rosacea sufferers. So I gave it up and figured out I like Moscato. THEN I tried some delicious Pinot Noir. Nice and burgundy. And I said to myself, "chingale, it's a risk I'm willing to take"! And I bitch about it every single time! But I can't help it. I love it. It is so smooth and just yummy! NOW I think I'm big balling and spend anywhere between $15-25 bucks a bottle. I alternate between 4 different bottles. I swear I should have a rewards card for these. I drink so much wine that NicholasG says I'm married to it. Now I don't drink to get drunk. I do however average 2 glasses a night. So 1 bottle usually lasts me 3-4 days. Of course I skip some nights throughout the week. Like one. So you know, I'm disciplined.

And I don't feel bad about it. Red wine has been proven to help lower blood pressure. So much so that when I was knocked up, my doctor RECOMMENDED I drink at least 2 glasses a week! She was amazing! I'll be honest and say I didn't average that. And now thinking back, maybe I should have. Know why? Cause I had a premature baby at 7 months due to high fucking blood pressure! No Manches! If I can turn back time I'd be all over that red wine goodness! Also, I just read that drinking a glass of red wine a night also helps you lose weight AND it has been proven to slow down effects of Breast cancer, depression, and anxiety. Maybe that's why I'm staying skinny these days. Maybe. I can say it's helped with my mental state lately. I for sure am not as fucked in the head as I thought I would be right now. And it calms me down. So it does help with anxiety. Proving that shit. Of course I wake up every morning with my rosey ass cheeks. But I'm learning to live with my Rosacea. I ain't accepting it and I hate it. But I'm learning to live with it. It won't stop me from enjoying my vino.

Tonight's glasses were from one of my favorite bottles. Three Thieves! It is so damn good that I have to stop myself from indulging on another glass. And reason being is because I just binge watched 3 episodes of The Following and I need to get my ass to bed. I'm going to sleep like a baby! I can feel it already. See, I don't need to pop all these sleeping pills. I don't need to be medicated. I have slowed down my brain just enough to have a good nights rest. Another reason I enjoy my Pinot. I can't remember the last time I had a wine hangover. It's so great! So as I sip this last sip, and inhale my lovely essential oil diffuser, I bid you a good night. Salud!

My part of this chapter wasn't over.

Taking deep breaths as I write this, making sure I'm calm and collective. I seem a bit nervous. Maybe because this one means something. Not like the other entries haven't but this one has me a bit vulnerable. I try my hardest as a human to keep it real. I'm very blunt, honest, open. So this is me. This is the Great Stefonsky opening up about one of her weakest moments in her life.

We all have many chapters in our lives. Every single day we either start a chapter, continue it or it ends. Sometimes chapters end in a way you were not expecting at all!! It hits you like a fucking flash. Out of left field! I was just loving the shit out of my chapter. I had all these plans in my head for the next few pages. And I was 1,000% confident that this shit was just the beginning of an amazing story in my book. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could have prepared me for how my chapter ended. But it did and it's done and there is no turning the pages back. It just ended. And now I need the courage to start my next chapter.

I learned a lot from the few pages I did have. I learned that I gave up who I was. I gave 100% of Stefonsky away. Gone. I had no guard up. I realize that now. I lost me. I lost my time. And I was so totally ok with it. I loved giving all of me away. I said to myself that if this was the time to give it your all, then fucking do it! Love with every single cell in your body. Love with every breath that you take! These pages deserve this love and I was capable of giving it. And the pages didn't want all that love. It was just too much. They don't realize how much they deserve the love. But that's OK. It's all going to be OK. Would I erase that chapter if I could? No. Because then I wouldn't have learned that I need to sit back and have someone love me the way I loved. I deserve to feel that type of love. I'm sure it's going to be wonderful. For someone to appreciate me, accept me, handle the mood swings, handle the crazy schedules, handle that I don't have the perfect child. The way I was so accepting of absolutely everything, no matter how much it bothered me, makes me realize that I can love hard. Like fucking hard. So now I wait. And I won't expect it. I won't look for the attention. I will wait for someone to love the shit outta me. And if it never happens, then I'm OK with the chapters in my book. I'll look back at them and see what I learned from every experience I've ever been in, in my life. From relationships, family, friends, work, and just shit! There is always a lesson to be learned. And no matter how much we try to forget some things, if they made you smile and happy at that moment, don't regret it. Just remember how it made you feel. Then imagine all the moments ahead of you! How much better they might be!!

My relationship with my son is crumbling and I know it.

I write about NicholasG a lot. he's a fun kid to write about. He's totally different from any other 8 year old I know. He's tough and I have a tough time being his mom. I say it often, that I totally suck at this job. My son has no respect for me. Whatsoever. It doesn't matter who talks to him, lecture's him, scolds him, he is his own damn person and he literally gives no fucks. He has a very strong personality. Very sarcastic. And the kid cannot be wrong. He whines every single day of his life. He is very chiquiado and has mamitis sometimes too.

I've written before about how I feel that I've failed as a parent. Today it was made clear to me by someone that I was. I was talking to one of our on duty police officers here at work. We occasionally talk about guns, shooting, self-defense tips. Today I vented about my son's smart mouth. See, Nick is allowed to have the ipad AFTER 6:00 p.m. Once all homework is done, dinner is done, whatever. I wake up today and find him on the ipad at 6:20 am. I told him he was trippin'! His reply was "well it's after 6 mom!" Yes, but not 6:00 p.m! He knows better and he knew he was wrong, but he just had to get his jab at me. The officer laughed and said "reminds me of someone I know". Meaning me. Cause I'm such a smart-ass at work and with people I'm cool with. BUT when it comes to my kid, I have this mental block that he can't be a smart-ass. He has to do everything right and everything by the book. And that's just not reality. He's his own kid. He's his own person. And like Monster always says to me, we need to guide them to be the best they can be. Not what WE want them to be. And I have such a hard time doing that. I'm such a strict, stuck up mom. I need him to follow the rules. If he breaks one, I act like such a bitch.

As I write this, I'm chocking up. I'm sad. I'm sad that I have failed at being a good mom. I'm sad that my son told me today "If I'm less grumpy, will you be nicer to me?". OMG, that fucked me up. I teared up and said "Yes Nick. We need to have a better relationship. You're all I have in this life. You can't be such a cry baby all the time and have attitude". But here I am, showing him what attitude is. I want to change so bad. I don't want to mentally scar my son. I don't want him to be disrespectful to women or anyone for that matter. And the officer told me it's the little things. He said what he did was, sit on the floor or the kitchen table and really listened to his kids read. He told me to try that. Which normally when Nick reads, I'm cooking and just going "ah ha...cool...no way". But I'm not REALLY listening. I need to take time to SIT with him and listen. Listen to his sweet little voice read through a book so quick cause he's so smart! I need to have him help me in the kitchen more, and do more chores. Today after work I plan to go to those self-car wash places and have him help me. I gotta do "boy" stuff with him too since I have him more then his father does. Even if it's small things, I gotta make changes if my son is going to change. Our relationship is tense right now. Yes we still cuddle when we watch a movie, and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll occasionally let him sneak into my bed. Yes I still smell his head after every shower he takes, and I still force kisses on him before I drop him off at school. But I'm not being the best mom I can be. I'm mean. He said it. I yell too much. And for this, I am so, so sorry. I love my son more then my own life. And writing this blog in tears makes me realize that if I don't change now, TODAY, I'm going to fuck up my kid. I won't allow it. And I've come to realize that no one can help me. Everyone has different advice. "Beat him, ignore him, punish him, take that away, ground him..." But at the end of the day, I gotta figure this shit out on my own. I'm sorry kid. I'll do better.

Parent's never stop. No matter how old you are.

When I was little, I had the typical Mexican upbringing. The music blasting at 7 a.m. on Saturday morning's, the orders to clean the frijoles right after school, the rule's that we couldn't have our doors closed when everyone was home. We had curfews. STRICT curfews. Even at 19, 20 year's old, I had a curfew. Like my mom would straight sleep in the sala on the couch until we got home. They did not fuck around! We got spanked and we had tons of cintos to choose from. And if we tried to throw our verduras away during dinner, or give them to Bear, my mom would just serve us more. And if we really fucked up, then straight to the carniceria we would go to help clean up, put all the fruits and veggies away and man the counter. At that time, I thought I had it so hard. That we did too much for being so young. Like, "why do I have to clean the restroom when we all use it?". I can remember my mom getting down on her knees and checking the bathroom floor and she can tell if we half-assed the mopping. Shit was no joke! And I bitched and complained and probably said that I was running away about 10,000x! I thought we had the hardest parent's ever. I couldn't understand how they could be "so mean!"

Fast forward to me being a 32 year old technically single mother. Holy shit do I still need my mom and dad. And they are there, 100% of the time, all the time! And I mean times when I needed them and didn't ask for help and they show up to help me! I can remember a few year's ago when I had recently spilt from my son's father, I called my dad and I said, "Dad, you were right. You were right about a lot of things. And I'm sorry I sucked as a kid"! He knew I would eventually see things his way. He knew he was always right and doing what was best for us. The discipline, the lecture's, the grounding, the love. I see things different now. Especially being a mother to a very stubborn, special boy. There are times when I see my folks, whether here at home or where they are from and I tell my dad to handle it. To handle the situation because sometimes I just can't. And I've come to realize that that's ok! Just how I ask Monster for help too. Sometimes, I just need that extra hand.

I want to be like my parent's. I always want to be there for my son and for the people I love. I sometimes tell myself I am that way, or growing close to it. I try to help anyone I can when I can. I can be a cruel bitch sometimes, but for the most part, I just want to help. I give tough love when needed and compassion as well. My mom and dad still drop absolutely everything for us. They've helped my sister with her kid's so her and her husband can vacation. My mom has driven in the middle of the night and early morning when my son had his first major seizure. They drove in the middle of a snow storm to come see my son in NICU when he was born. They recently drove (in snow again) to come see me when I ended up in the hospital for my cyst. They drive to Cali so much to see all their family and friend's. I can't even give them enough credit for what they do. There will be a day that I can repay them for all the money they sneak into my hands. For all the food they provide to me when they come into town. And I'm trying the hardest to be the best mom I can be cause that's what they taught me.

If you are lucky enough to know my mom and dad, always remember them. Always think good thoughts, and always appreciate you having them in your life. AND if they let you write on my door in the East L.A. house, then you were really a hit ;-)

I love you mom and dad. And thank you for teaching me how to have a big heart. I hope to one day be just like you.