A sense of guilt

I'll be missing my Godfather's services this weekend. Not by choice. Obviously. I feel guilty about it. I feel like people are going to be saying "I can't believe Stephanie didn't come to her Nino's services". I've already been told to change my starts date for my new job so I can go. Ok, how horrible will that look. They've already moved back my training an extra week. It just sucks  I think about him all day but just keep it to myself. Some people take death different then other's. I do mourn, I do cry. We are not all built the same. Some see it as "it's life, he's gone, move one". I can't. I just can't. It sucks getting older. As a kid you don't really get death. Then you get older and older and you know more and more people and then they just start dying off. I wish I was younger or a bit more numb. But I'm not. I have feelings and emotions and sorry if I express them in a way that certain people don't agree with. I know I shouldn't feel guilty missing his services. I had spoken to him about my complications about finding a new job. So I know he understand why I can't be there. I'll say my good-bye's Sunday night and Monday night. I'll pretend I am in there spirit. Maybe I am judging myself too much. Who knows.

No matter how healthy you are, Cancer doesn't care

I am kinda numb right now. Or am I just accepting it all? I don't know what this feeling is. My Nino is lying in a coma dying of Cancer. It's almost like I'm just waiting for that phone call to tell me he's passed. I hope he isn't suffering. Do people feel things in a coma? Can he feel all the pain of his organs just failing him? I hope not. I really, really, really hope he isn't feeling any pain. I like to think that he is dreaming! Dreaming of the fun times he had while in the ARMY. Dreaming of how good he must have felt when he helped someone feel better after they left the pharmacy where he worked all his life. That makes me feel better I guess. I am also at peace that I said my good bye's to him in person back in September. And I also spoke to him for a long time on his birthday! He talked about sending my son Christmas gifts and asked what he was into. I told him he needed to concentrate on getting better instead of gifts! He doesn't deserve this. Actually, no one deserves Cancer. NO ONE! Especially children. It just breaks my heart! My Nino is a good man. Those that know him know he didn't consume alcohol nor even smoked cigarettes. He was tall and healthy! Then this horrible disease just ate him up inside. And now my grandpa. My grandpa is tough man. Always has been and still is! This is a man that brought all his kids from Mexico (only 2 born here) and lived in a 1 bedroom house on top of a hill in East L.A. 10 people total! He worked his ass off to make ends meet! He never felt sorry for you. You needed to suck it up and keep on trucking! For as long as I can remember, he delivered tortillas to my dad's work and my dad would sell them at his butcher shop. El Dorado tortillas! The best ever! I always joke that my son loves him a lot cause they have the same grumpy personality LOL! I have pics of when my son was only 6 weeks old and I took him to visit my grandpa and grandma and my grandpa would not let anyone else hold him! He just kept saying "esta agusto, dejen me lo" (he's comfortable, leave him to me). And sure enough, in all the pics, my son is asleep in my grandpa's arms. Even now when we visit, my son sits on his lap and just chills. I love it and I hope my grandpa can stay with us longer! My grandpa did drink and smoke. I'm not going to judge him for that or anyone else that does. Could that have been the cause of his cancer? Who knows! Look at my Nino ! Healthy all his life! As a matter of fact, my grandpa had his cancer before my Nino did and my grandpa is still walking, driving, and doing his thing. It doesn't chose if it's going to hit you because of your lifestyle. It doesn't chose you if you were a bad kid or a bad student. It just chooses whoever the fuck it wants. But wow. I just can't even breathe right. I have this knot in my chest. Like I want to scream and punch something. Why? I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I need to be strong for my parents and my kids cause it's not fair to them. But this is some fucked up shit. And I mean fucked up.

How lazy one can become

It's 11:29 am and I am still in my pajamas, still haven't showered nor even brushed my teeth. I am comfortable and lazy. Super freaking lazy. I've been online applying to more jobs this morning. Is it maybe the discouragement of not getting a call back that makes me feel this way? I know I'll have a job at least by January. I am certain I will! I'm not too worried. I've managed to pay my bills by budgeting myself, couponing, ecoupons, shopping only on sale items. It's crazy what you do when you don't have a steady income coming in. But it's crazy how for years I've been getting up for work, getting dressed and showered and ready and now, days like today I have no energy at all! If I can sleep all day I so will but my lovely active child won't allow me to do so! And what kind of mom would I be if I laid in bed all day? The kids gotta eat! I think he's what keeps me going. He gives me energy. I try to take him to the park 2-3 times a week just so he can get out of the house. If he wasn't around, who knows where I would be right now. He even pushes me to workout, it's kinda funny! He says "mom you gonna workout with Tony?" and once I start working out he joins me! Kenpo Karate is his favorite! At least I have that going for me right? Can't keep making excuses that I'm a fat ass since I am home and able to work on my fitness! I literally argue with myself for a few hours until I finally get my ass up to workout. Which reminds me, I need to get the ball rolling on that one. Ugh. Fine!

Sore Body!

Today I feel sore. I can't walk, sit, cross my legs, nothing! Because after a month of not working out, I finally did. Busted some Cardio X and I felt AMAZING! But then I stop once I get to a comfortable weight. Usually fitting into a size 3 or 5. Then I just don't care and start eating like shit again. Why though? I mean seriously, how the fuck do I lose motivation so damn quickly? I know I look good, I feel good, I carry myself better and then SAS, it's over. I just let it all go to waste. I don't even want to say, "I'm gonna workout tomorrow". Cause I don't even know if I will. I know my excuse will be that I'm too cold watch. I will try my hardest to get up and actually workout. I hope  I do. I can only motivate myself.

What's wrong with old school Disney movies?

I don't get it. My son just doesn't like anything that's not Pixar! The one and only non pixar movie that my son will sit and watch in all it's entirety is The Lion King. Which I don't mind at all cause it's totally my all time favorite Disney movie! Other then that, it's all pixar. I know pixar is totally cool and I love all their cartoons. But man, he won't give any other movie a chance! My mom still had all her old Disney movies on VHS and still owns a VCR and she's tried the kids to watch the movies (my sisters kids too) and nope. They just don't care for them. I love old Disney movies. Such classics. Theses kids are totally missing out on good movies. I'm just saying! And day time cartoons! Pshhh! Don't even get me started on that! Cartoons SUCK now and days! People say that The Simpson's, Family Guy, Cleveland Show, and South Park, etc. are all bad. But they forget that we grew up on Betty Boop walking into BARS with ALCOHOL being served and men with guns int here checking her out and her big chichis. Or how the Coyote did anything he could to MURDER the Road Runner! Or all these cartoon characters smoking and shooting each other. Yes the language that is used now is worse and far more offensive but we grew up with similar shit. I think everything around us is trying to shelter our kids a bit too much. Wait, how the fuck did this blog get here? I was venting about my sons lack of interest in awesome movies and now I'm venting about cartoons? Ok, I'm done! :-)

How to handle a tantrum now and days!

I have no fucken idea! I've been trying to figure this out now for almost 3 years! El Flaco is almost 4 years old. That whole "terrible 2's" shit started when he was 1! I ain't even lying! He is most definitely his worst behaved with me. He does better with his dad. He's scared of his dad a bit more. He says it's "the look". I'm the yeller. I feel like yelling will scare him and he'll calm his ass down. Nah. Never has worked, probably never will. Times have changed you know. Back when I was growing up, I got my ass beat! With cintos, chanclas and anything my mom could grab that she could throw at us without the object breaking. God forbid her precious porcelain dolls would break! Sometimes my mom or dad would make us chose our cinto that we were gonna get whooped with! LOL! We used to run man. It's kinda funny now that I think about it. I'm not traumatized by it. I wasn't brutally beaten. Most of the time it was a smack to the face for talking back or rolling my eyes. Back then it was normal. My folks have a story where my dad whooped us with a belt at the mall cause we wouldn't sit down. And this chismosa lady butted in and told my dad she was calling the cops on him. My dad then lifted up his cinto and told her "you want some too?" and she took off haha! The cops were never called. Back then people probably applauded my dad for calming down his three bratty kids. Now and days they want you to "sit and talk calmly to your chilld". Ok you tell me how to calm a three year old that's throwing himself on the floor looking like he's break dancing and shit? "Flaco, son, mijo, amorcito, cariño". Honey please! That's don't work for MY KID! It's more like, "hijo de tu chingada madre callate la boca"! And if that don't work it's usually a smack on his leg or I say "let's go, I'm done". and I walk out. And guess what, he wins! He wins cause he threw a tantrum and I left. NOW, 10-15 years ago, I could have slapped the child, or spanked him, or put him in the corner of the store on time-out. But no that can't happen anymore. It isn't allowed. Can you imagine a three year old at Target in a corner screaming bloody murder cause he's on time-out?! Holy shit the security will come flying. Associates will come running. It'll be insane! And they'll have to make sure he's ok and not in harms way of a crazy parent. I mean seriously. How the fuck did society and government and chismosos get involved in how we raise our children. I'm not saying I wish I could beat my kid. No. Never. He's a lucky kid. I feel sooooo horrible when I hear stories of kids that die at the hand of an abusive parent. But still, I think people are involved too much. If there is a reason you should be concerned for a child's safety then yes, do something about it. But seriously if a parent is just trying to discipline their child in a more calm, but slightly more aggressive way then what you're used to, then just back away and realize that we aren't all raised the same. My only way to handle a tantrum is to walk away. It seems to work a tiny bit more here at home. I'm still working on the out in public tantrums. Do I just turn my back to him while he sits in the shopping cart? Do I actually try to put him in the corner of the store? One thing about Flaco is he doesn't get embarrassed. I think he got that from me LOL! I can care less what people think of me in public and he's the same way! I never thought I wouldn't have control over my kid and I am the first to admit that I don't. I was always that mom that said "my kid will never throw a tantrum". Ha! jokes on me bitches! *deep breaths*

Parenting. The easiest thing in the world! Ha!!

Ok, so let me start off by saying I love my son with all my heart and soul. I would kill, die, steal, fight, do anything and everything for my child. Had to throw that out there for all you psychos that will probably put in your two cents about this blog. Ok, so growing up I always said I wanted 4 kids. I always saw myself having a huge family and doing lots of family things like trips, parties, the beach. Everything. Then as I got older, reality struck :-) First came along my stepson JR. We got him when he was 8. Boy was that a reality check. It's hard to play the "mom" roll when you have no right. It was tough getting used to a kid. Not a baby and not yet a teenager. He was in that middle phase where he was still kinda spoiled but then was "too cool" for certain things. We all adjusted well for the most part. He's actually a good kid. Now he's a teenager and a smart ass and tends to talk back but what 14 year old doesn't right. The only difference is, I used to get my ass beat the minute I even rolled my eyes at my mom. Let's just say JR never has! Then, the little monster was born. My biological son El Flaco! This little boy has given me trouble since before he was born. At 5 months old I was put on bed rest cause of my high blood pressure and stress. I was swollen like an elephant! It was horrible. I had to see a specialist 2x a week and finally had to have him at 7.5 months cause my body was all in shock and shit. He was born skinny but healthy so he stayed hospitalized for 14 days to get his weight up. Now, for those that actually physically know my child you know he's a special little boy LOL! He is a chion man! Not a day has gone by since the day that he's been born that he doesn't cry. NOT ONE SINGLE DAY! He is "that kid" that throws himself on the floor, that screams at the store at the top of his lungs, that just whines and whines (like he is RIGHT NOW) and no matter what we say or do, it doesn't stop. Ever. Trust me, I've tried IT ALL. I've never whooped the shit out of my kid but he's gotten his spankings, the time outs, the toys taken away, no TV or movies. NOTHING works!!! I find it fucken hilarious when I see all these moms, family and friends that say "my sleepless nights are worth it" or "I can stare at my son/daughter all day", "my child can do no wrong". PLEASE! haha! Every baby/child is different and I know all moms have wanted to rip their fucken hair out and scream "shut the fuck up" to their crying child. To that I say IT'S OK!! It's ok to feel frustrated and ok that your baby is not perfect. It's ok to want to take a walk alone sometimes. It's normal people. Stop faking the funk and making it seem like parenting is the best thing in the world. It's not. Sorry, MY very own personal opinion. Wanna know how I calm down? When I think of my family and friends that have lost their babies or have babies with special needs. I tell myself "wow, they don't have this opportunity to see their kids go to daycare and to make friends at the park". That's how I chill the fuck up. Seriously. You are not a bad person cause your kid gets  on your nerves from time to time. It's normal. Just like our significant others get on our nerves, or our siblings, co-workers, friends, relatives. It's a normal emotion. Now, my son can sometimes be a good kid. That's usually around 9:30 p.m. when he's getting ready for bed and sits still for me to read him a book and he hugs me very tight and tells me "te quiero mucho duerme con los angelitos". It's at that moment when I stop and take a deep breath and I think to myself, "damn I love this kid". But then reality hits again nightly between 12-2 a.m. when he's trying to sneak into our bed! And we say no and he runs screaming and crying back to his room slamming his door! LOL! Sorry but I don't enjoy my "sleepless nights". I need my mother effin' sleep!! I love my kid and I wouldn't change my situation for the world. I wouldn't turn back time and NOT have him. He came to me for a purpose. But he's also made me realize that I truly never, ever, ever, ever want more kids, ever again! haha! I love El Flaco, but he's 4 kids in one ;-)

Taking my own advice

I admit it. I am extremely stressed out. Been almost a month since I lost my job. I have sent my resume to probably 100 offices now. I am signed up to so many job sites that I am starting to get overwhelmed. I probably wouldn't be so stressed out if I was getting unemployement, but I'm not. Whole different subject!! I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my car next month or any of my bills for that matter. I am already behind 4 bills this month and I just ignore my cell phone calls with all the 800 numbers. I'm feeling it man. My skin is showing it, I'm starting to binge it, I have no motivation to do much during the day but to clean! I keep telling myself  "some people are worse off then you Steph". I just say it over and over when I'm about to flip the fuck out. I guess I am still extremely grateful for what I do have. My family, my friends, my health, my house. Mr. Mustang is trying to do everything to keep up with our house bills and I am forever grateful for him. I know something will come along soon. I've been more stressed out before. It's weird. Like I was more stressed at my last job then I am right now at having NO JOB! I guess I should just take this time off and chill and relax my brain. Cause I'll need to be 110% when I do get my new job. I'll be ok. My family and I will be ok! I can feel it. I see it. It's all going to be ok.

Cellulite

Yes. That's the topic. SAS! So, I always bitch about the cellulite on my thighs. It's not bad or too drastic but it's there. I think I got it cause when I was between 13-21 I thought I would forever be skinny and will never have cellulite, EVER! Oh but then reality struck bitches! I got older, lazier, chubbier, had a kid and HELLO CELLULITE! I laugh when I see/read all these younger tweens talk or post about all the junk food they eat and how they are so skinny and sexy LOL! Good Luck to you! Get back to me in 10 years and tell me how you feel about your sexy legs then. I blame only MYSELF and the crap I would eat and still do. Oh did I mention I have cellulite on my stomach too? Not as bad as I think I do but I just have that shit stuck in my head that it's horrible. But considering I sported a bikini this whole summer without bitching, I know it's not too bad. Thank You Beer! So anyway, my point to all this is last night I met up with my BIFFY! He's been my BIFF for over 12 years. We did the math yesterday. He's in town for work so we decided to have a drink at Coyote Ugly. Chicks dancing on bars and the little stage they had. Sexy girls dude. But guess what! 2 of them had cellulite on their stomachs along with a little 4 pack and 1 of them had cellulite on her thighs! And like I said, they were sexy girls. Cellulite never fully goes away! It kinda goes away with green tea and some toning but it will always be there! I've lost a lot of cellulite from working out and eating better but no matter how many sit ups I do or lunges, cardio, leg weights, it's there. Faintly, but it's there. So my advice to all you little hootchie mamas that think you will forever be skinny and have the perfect body is EAT RIGHT AND EXERCISE!!! Your metabolism WILL slow down and good luck to you after you have kids! I know a handful, just a handful of girls that had babies and look freaking amazing instantly! Lucky bitches! LOL! But just remember, we are not all that lucky!

Being happy isn't so bad is it!

We all have our bumps in the road. Those bumps that we think will just ruin us forever. The point of no return. You're doomed. Just give up now. But really, is it really THAT bad? What if you're just happy with what you do have! A roof over your head, a child you can call your own, a significant other that you can cry to, parents that will always be there for you, siblings that you can call at all hours of the night, best friends, cousins, beer and tequila! If you even have one of those things then just make the best out of it. It's no secret that this year has probably been one of the craziest years of my life. From family deaths, illnesses, a falling out with a sibling, a temporary breakup, a loss of 2 jobs and now fighting to get my unemployment. It's been a crazy, crazy year. I felt so lost and alone. I lost a bunch of weight and I lost who I was. I didn't like who I was. All because I was focusing on everything negative that was happening in my life. And still is! But now I am trying to see a different side of things. I needed to be happy that I did have those friends and family in the time of my darkest days. And I did have that support at all hours of the night. I needed to appreciate that I have a healthy, naughty little boy that I can call my own cause I know way too many women that do not have this privilege. I needed to be grateful for the man that I call my boyfriend even though we were at each others throats. He's the man that can make me laugh when no on else can. He's the one that can help me get through my struggles and when I need a time out from being a mom. No matter what we have been through, he has stepped up like I've never seen him step up before. I needed to be grateful that yes I lost my job but I am also being a full time mom. Not a working mom that only saw my son 3-4 hours a day. I needed to be grateful especially for my VOR, Night Hawk, Giggles and Amazing! They did a good job! ;-) I went around my home today with Sage. Now, this is a sensitive subject for many since my beliefs have changed, but anyway, I went around saging my home and asking the universe for positive energy. I didn't "pray to god". I asked for strength within ME. NO ONE can change me but ME. I asked for the universe to just let me be happy and to show me that not everything is bad! I can do this and I will continue to do this. I'm a good person and I deserve good things and I WILL get those things. I will be OK and I will have a job soon. I am grateful for everyone who I have met in my life and made an impact on who I am today! No matter what struggles you are currently facing, just remember to be happy with what you have NOW! In front of you, at your reach! Enjoy it! We are not guaranteed tomorrow!

The Mustang

The way it looks, sounds, smells, drives! It's a pretty good catch. The Mustang can use some work though. Sometimes the motor just doesn't work! It can go weeks and weeks with constant motor problems. Then it goes months and months with pure awesomeness. But aren't they all the same? Sometimes they just work to your advantage and sometimes they leave you on the side of the road feeling alone and helpless. No matter what it's always there waiting for you to give it a tune up, a wash an oil change. All Mustangs need a little push here and there. Then there is the mechanic. Sometimes you trust the son of a bitch and sometimes you know you're setting yourself up for failure. How much can you trust the mechanic though? Cause there are more then one! One tells you it needs this, the other tells you it needs that. At the end of the day you should make up your own mind. If you can handle fixing the Mustang with no one's help, then go for it. It's risky, highly risky. And you can get hurt cause at the end it might cost you more. But are you willing to take that risk? Are you willing to ignore all the mechanics giving you advice and just go for it and fix the Mustang yourself? Who is it really hurting in the end? No matter how much this Mustang causes you problems, you just can't get rid of it can you? It's too nice to look at. It's worth a lot! Priceless if you will! Deep inside, you know you can trade in that old Mustang for a newer model. You can get something better, funner, healthier! Something that won't break down every few weeks. Something that won't give out on you constantly. So why is it so hard to let go of it? How can you love something so much? What does the Mustang have to offer that no other car can? This question still boggles my mind daily. This question needs an answer soon before it's too late.

Variety of Tune's!

I love, love, love music! I listen to music pretty much all day! At work I have my headphones from 8-5. When I get kinda tired of my music on my phone, I jump to youtube and listen to new stuff there. It's so healing. When I'm in a funky mood, I play fun music that I can shake my ass to! I love all kinds of music. I don't have specific kind of music I listen to. I listen to pretty much everything except country. Sure I like a Dixie Chicks song here and there and maybe some Shania Twain. But will I ever own a country music CD? No. I can pretty much bet on that shit. I was recently introduced to 2 new artists I didn't even know existed! Mayer Hawthorne and James Hunter. They kinda remind me of Adele/Sade/Jack Johnson all mixed in one. It's great! I give all music a chance. Although, I'm not a huge fan of the Rap and R&B that's playing these days. I listen to rap and I can listen to it and feel a little gangsta' but it's like old school shit. Love me some Biggie ;-) Same goes with some rock bands that are out too. I love old school Pearl Jam, R.E.M (even though they just broke up), Bush, Greenday. Those are all the bands I would listen to in Junior High and thought I was all chingona rockera! A rockera I was not! haha! I love live shows. Live music is so much fun! Even if you only know like 1 song, concerts are still good times. I have 2 concerts coming up. Both different types of music! One is Pit bull the other is Foster the People. It's like night and day and I'm equally excited for both! A few years ago, I couldn't go to sleep without music on. Then for about 6 years, I got out of that habit. Recently, I picked it up again. I just leave my phone on a special playlist I have and just let it play until I fall asleep. It's helping me sleep a bit better these days. I feel calm and relaxed. I feel like certain songs speak to me. Like they are signing about my life and what I'm going through at this exact time! It makes me feel like I'm not alone and I'm not the only one going through these struggles. Music makes me feel like everything is gonna be ok! So, now that I'm done with this blog, I'm gonna listen to some Vicente Fernandez followed by Avenged Sevenfold and then some Aventura.

Old wives tale's?

Major, and I mean MAJOR wisdom tooth pain! So what is one to do when you don't have dental insurance or an extra $1,000 bucks in your bank account to get it out? You crush up an aspirin and shove that shit on your tooth! Hell to the yes! You also gargle with green tea! That's my current issue. I am in so much pain but there is literally nothing I can do. I have shitty medical debt so I don't qualify for anything! I have to suck it up. What did the cave men do when they had tooth aches? Will I have to bust a Tom Hanks and break my tooth off with an ice skate? OH, not freaking possible cause it's the back of my mouth!!! Should I find some Maryjane and put that in my tooth too? What else can I do? Serio pedo, this hurts. I can handle pain. I have a pretty high tolerance but quiet honestly, not sure how much more I can hang! I'm hoping to win Mega Bucks within the next couple of days to take care of this shit. What other wives tale do I live by? Vaporu "VapoRub" for you non mexicans! ;-) I put Vaporu on my kid when ever he has a cold. Under his feet, behind his knees and on his chest! I swear it works miracles. I sometimes go as far as swallowing it a bit if I have a really bad sore throat! Don't judge me cause your asses will be thinking about that shit when you have a sore throat watch! Another thing: bathe your kids after they get wet or out of the pool/lake. I swear I act like it's a curse if we don't shower after we get wet. Like it's the end of the world! What else? Caldo de pollo when we have a cold or fever was also big in my house. But it works doesn't it?! So many vitamins that are in that stuff. I cooked it last night as a matter of fact. I hear someone cough and I'm like "ohhh, he needs a caldo de pollo". I'm on top of that shit! It's the best for everything. Especially on a nice cold day! There are many, many wives tale's that I've grown up with and I love them. I live by them and I swear they are true. I rather use a method of an old wives tale then take medication that a doctor provides. Oh that reminds me, like when someone is dehydrated or has a tummy ache, my mom used to pour a little bit of salt in a 7-Up to make "suero" aka, I.V! LOL! Freaking 7-Up was always a popular one and I do that shit till this day! haha! Good Times!

The 7 year itch on friendship!

In a good way, not like in the "oh we reached the 7 year itch so it's over" kinda way! I have AMAZING friends in Cali. Friends that have lasted me well over 10, 15, 20 years! Moving to Las Vegas has been quiet the experience. I've made great friends, weird friends, psycho friends, friends of friends that I wish I wouldn't have made! All have had an affect on me one way or the other. But just recently, well, this year actually, I realized that I made 2 awesome, life long friends. The Nighthawk and VOR. I met them over 2 years ago. I think the 3 of us were still a bit "suspect" towards each other for the first two years. We "tested" the water quiet a few times and found that we liked hanging out. Finally, this year, after 7 years of us all being in Vegas we realized "holy shit, I really like you"! We can EASILY hang at one of our houses and do nothing but "go through our list". A lot of people don't get it. In a town like Vegas people expect you to be on the go 24/7. But not us though. We don't mind chillin with some wine, beer, appetizers and just conversation. Sure every once in a while we like to get out and do a bit more but that's literally once a month or once every 2 months. We don't have to hang out every single day. We are totally content with the amount of contact we have now. I love the hell out of these bitches! Especially since we are all fans of hanging drapes and getting new curtains ;-) We just fit. It's crazy! Nighthawk has had a few bumps in the road and we've tried our best to help her through it all. She recently got lucky. Not really lucky more like "bitch finally your time is HERE" kinda situation. Secret Agent Man got himself a catch. He should be damn proud cause she's a great person! Homegirl can cook a mean pulled pork meal! She gives me credit for my cooking but I think she keeps some secrets ;-) haha! VOR is VOR: Voice of Reason! She has an issue and deals with that shit head fucken on man! And she gives herself options. "I can either be miserable or be happy with everything else I have in life and deal with this any way I can." She's just so good at giving advice. Come to think of it, Nighthawk and I have some pretty dramatic lives. How the fuck did VOR escape that shit? Lucky bitch! "You do you"! ;-) and she does, and she does it well! I'm grateful for these bitches. My best friend forever in the whole wide world, Giggles says she feels better now that I'm in Vegas because of Nighthawk and VOR. We agree that they don't judge me. To find friendships like this is tough. It really is. I'm also grateful for Secret Agent Man. Because of him, I've also have met new friends. Will they reach the 7 year itch as well? Wait, does that make me a picky person? Did I just admit it takes me 7 years to make good real friends? HA! Check me out! What a bitch! I just realized another thing. This blog is gonna get to these bitches heads. Great! Now I just made them love me even more! ;-)

Funky socks & my lack of maturity

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Why have attitude?

Guilty! God damn am I guilty of having the shittiest attitude EVER! Not always, although sometimes I'm told it's ALWAYS! I promise you it's not. I can be super cheery, happy and fun! But sometimes I'm just rude as hell. I can't have a normal day if something gets me mad in the morning. It just fucks up my whole day. But why? Why do I have to have the typical psycho latina attitude? I say "typical latina" cause that's how we are sometimes portrayed! It's like we act so chingonas and have to be hard asses and we just make ourselves look bad! NOT every latina is this way. Relax! Just like 95% of the one's I personally know :-) I want to not have an attitude. I want to learn to take things in stride, suck it up, deal with it and get over it. I can't though. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. I get so angry! Now I know where my son gets it from =/ fuck, I admitted it! He gets his horrible attitude from me. In order for him to change and be more calm, I need to change. No one can change me, I need to change myself. What will it take though? I'm already having some personal struggles that hopefully will be mended soon. I do take blame that the struggles I am currently dealing with are partly my fault. I just take shit so serious! But yet, I'm a joker and I get offended if someone takes what I say serious. How can I fix that? Why can't I just let something go into one ear and out the other? Ay, yo no se, but I need to get over this shit, serio pedo! And quick! I'm 28 years old and I don't want to get grumpier as I get older. I want to be chill, and enjoy myself and not be so angry all the time. I need to realize that my son is a naughty boy and has a mind of his own and right now I can't control him much but just hold on to hope that he'll grow out of it!! I need to not take life so serious. We are not guaranteed tomorrow...shit, we aren't even guaranteed an hour! You just never know! Stress and attitude kills! I can have a heart attack cause I'm such a prude! I can't say I'm going to change over night, but I sure will try! Especially for my child. I don't want him to grow up and tell his friends that they can't come over cause "mom is in a bad mood and she might be a biatch"!

Social Networking Addict

I think Social Networking has come a looooong way! When I first started being an Internet whore, it was chat rooms, yahoo messenger and AOL instant messenger. I remember going on random ass chat rooms after school. Especially to my friend "Les" house cause my mom refused to get us Internet! LAME! But once I got my own PC and my own Internet, it was all down hill from there! I used to be on AOL messenger all freaking night! My BFF "la giggles" and I used to be ON THE PHONE and on AOL! We were so dumb haha! At night when my dad would bitch me out about being on the CPU too late, I used to put a towel on the floor to block the reflection from the CPU. It was horrible! I was an addict! Then, along came Myspace. At first I refused and thought it was dumb. Then there goes Giggles making me an account! Ay no! I was hooked! And it doesn't help that I'm a picture taking skank too! I had albums and albums full of random shit! Although, I give myself credit. I've never met any weird people from social networking. I was and still am smart about who I let into my social networking life! Ok, so myspace died obviously! So what's the next best thing: Facebook! I love FB! I can catch up with old friends, stay in touch with new one's, keep in touch with family! Although it gets a tad bit overwhelming when I get a request from a relative that happens to have my last name! I have to ask my mom and she says "pues mija, es la hija de tu tia de la mancha chompipe del lado de tu abuela de salinas de san juan de los lagos". I'm like, "ok, so I don't know them, neither do you...denied"! I don't feel like I have to have hundreds of friends! For what? So they can chismiar about what I do? No thanks! Kinda goes when I get a request from someone I knew in 2nd grade and can't even remember their names! I get it, you remember me, cause well duh, it's me ;-)! But really, I'm probably never gonna see you in my life!! I used to feel bad about hitting the "not approved" button, but now I don't. Cause really, me not being on your friends list is not the end of the world! Might feel like it, but I promise you'll be OK ;-). I've also turned into a huge Twitter slut! Twitter is fun. Less drama, less friends, a bit more private! I have 140 letters to bitch about anything and I bet not many read my tweets. But it's ok. I enjoy writing, I write when I have something on my mind, then I'm done :-) I can really care less what people have to say about what I write. If they read something and roll their eyes, I don't care, they still read it! So, I win either way right? Just like this blog. I don't know who is going to read it. But I get to write what I want. I have control. I like having control! So, SAS! Se acabo!

Is being "photogenic" a bad thing?

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The way music speaks to you

Artists and writers are amazing! No doubt! I have tons of respect for music writers especially. Music is so healing and healthy! Even when you are in a really shitty place in your life, Music just lights you up! I am in a funk. Good lord I'm in a damn funk right now. But the minute I put some music to my ears, I feel a bit better. I almost slightly feel like I can possibly shake my ass for 5.5 seconds! Give me a few weeks, I'll get there. Currently I am listening to Adele. Her voice is just BEYOND amazing. Her lyrics are seriously speaking to me. I feel like this album was meant for me. Going through hard time, you should always feel like yo can depend on people to be there for you for support and to lift your spirits. I do have tons of those people but I am really depending on music right now. I know that I'm not the first, nor the last person going through what I'm going through. I hope we can all be healed with musica!

Everything works itself out

We all have shitty times in our lives. We think the world is about to cave in on us and there is no relief in sight. We all cry, vent, get angry, feel sorry for ourselves. And it really does nothing to help us. Being angry and frustrated gets us nowhere. But it's a very normal reaction. And people that are going through these issues need to get themselves out of it on their own or with amazing, real support. There isn't much to do to help a person going through a shitty ass time. Sure you can take the person out for drinks or dinner, but they will still go home feeling like shit. The person going through issues needs to give themselves the time to heal. The time to reflect on their lives and what they can do to improve it. If they have a death in the family, they need that time to grieve and enjoy the memories they had with that individual. If the person is going through a break up, you need to let that person cry and vent and give them a shoulder to lean on. It might take weeks, even months for a person to get over, or to learn how to deal with a major change in their lives. But at the end, everything will work itself out. It just has too. The funk will end. The sorrow will end. The trauma will end. And then we move on. And we look back and realize that the person that passed away is in a better place. That the break up was probably for the best cause you are a much happier person. That losing your job was a blessing cause you found something new, better and fun. We all have to go through some crazy obstacles to reach that finish line. But I promise you, at the end everything will work itself out.

Green Tea and why I love it!

My green tea obsession started over a year ago. It took me a month to be able to drink it without gagging. I used to let it cool off a little and then just chug it really fast so I wouldn't have to taste it. Now, roughly a year later, I can drink it like water. It truly is an acquired taste. The benefits I saw from the tea were amazing. Not sure why I stopped drinking it. I've been on a green tea hiatus for about 2 months. I see the difference now. My face has broken out again, I have no energy, I am moody as fuck, my pansa looks flabby again, I can see cellulite on my pansa and thighs. When I was drinking my 5-6 cups a day, I had none of those things. Now, it's all back. So, I am drinking it again. Green Tea does wonders to one's body. It helps prevent cancer. Especially in men! It gives you great, healthy energy. Nothing like those HORRIBLE energy drinks that are out there and very popular. It helps get rid of nasty unhealthy toxins! So I am giving it another shot. I am determined to look like a MILF again and to feel good about myself. I need more energy right now and I need to feel healthy. And my face, ugh, my face!!! My face needs to clear the fuck up cause I'm about to barricade myself at home! Serio pedo! I know Green Tea isn't for everyone, but it is for me! I enjoy it very much and I'm already going on my 2nd cup for the day. I hope I can bring up my intake to 3-5 cps a day. Especially after dinner! That's a great time for some green tea consumption. Just be careful with the caffeine. It might keep you up. I am so used to it already that I don't have that problem, but some might. Oh and agua! Lots and lots and lots of agua. Flush your system out man! Get rid of all the crap! I'm not saying don't eat like crap cause I love eating like crap, but have a nice cup of tea after you devourer those 4 slices of heavenly made pizza!

I miss you, but....

California. Good ole' Califor-nia! I grew up in East L.A. Yes, the ghetto East Los. Growing up there, I never saw it as "bad". But I always heard bad stuff on the news, certain family members would always tell my folks "you guys need to move out of East L.A. or your kids will be gang members". That's what everyone worried about. My sister and I turning into cholas, my brother into a cholo. Ok, I admit, I did sport an "initial" belt buckle! But that was it. I was never attracted to the gangster boys. My dad was very popular in our neighborhood. We were known as "la familia del carnicero" (the butcher's family). No one really messed with us cause of the respect they had for my dad. I can remember one time, I must have been about 12 or 13. This homeless man came to our house in the middle of the night to tell my dad someone was breaking into his shop. It's like, everyone looked out for each other in the hood. Back then, it wasn't like it is today. All these little hoodlums take their "gansterness" to the next level. It's sad. But anyway, so I do miss California. I miss my friends, family, awesome hole in the wall food places. BUT I don't miss it enough to move back. California is now I place I don't mind visiting once a month or once every 3 months. I try to go often now cause I have a kid and he needs to spend quality time with his cousins. But even then, even though I miss my family so much, California isn't my home anymore. It's so expensive to live there. It's so crowded. So much traffic and construction everywhere. I hate the hell out of the 10 freeway! And the humidity is not good to my hair, skin, armpits (read previous blog for that) or my wallet! But it's good to me for my mental state of mind. When I need my family, I take a California trip. Sometimes Vegas drives me crazy. I don't have too much family out here. But it's just enough. I'm satisfied. I hear it all the time, "when are you moving back to L.A." I say NEVER. And they say "never say never". And I say, not but really, NEVER! I am spoiled now. I live in a quiet neighborhood. When I visit East L.A., I am even scared to park my car in front of my old house. It sounds totally selfish and rude but it's true. I left the hood and found something better. Change is good. It's done me a lot of good and I don't regret it at all. Now, will I stay in Vegas forever? No. Cause I want to travel and meet new people. So, Dallas will be next. Not this year, or next. But it's next :-)

I got the PITS!

Ha! The Pits! I have an issue. An issue that I am not ashamed of what so ever. The issue irritates me, yes, but it is what it is isn't it? My issue is SWEATY ARMPITS! Not just during the Summer, or Spring. Pretty much 24/7! I sweat like a crack head that hasn't gotten her fix! I have ruined many adorable shirts! About 90% of the time, my armpits don't even stink. They just sweat! I've tried every single deodorant there is to try. Every single "clinical" brand. Todo! Y nada! I literally have to switch out my deodorant every 2-3 months cause they just stop working. I've done my research. I know it's cause I just have these extra sweat glands. I know that probably the only solution is botox shots. Hello?! Does it look like I can afford botox shots for my under arms? NO! So, there really isn't anything I can do. I just hate when I'm wearing a really cute shirt and I have to wear a tiny sweater just cause my damn shirt is ruined by my sweat!! I think it's hereditary. One of my siblings is the same way but this sibling also has a bad sweating issue with hands and feet. I don't. A few of my cousins have the issue too! Is it a Mexican thing? My good friend V.O.R also has the issue and another good friend, Night Hawk only has the issue with her right armpit? Or is it a Latin thing? V.O.R is Mexican and Night Hawk is part Puerto Rican. I wonder if it totally is a Latin thing! *note to self, google*. Well, one day I hope there is a pill to take that will help with my issue. Or a drink! Someone has to figure something out! Freaking botox shots can't be the only way! That "somebody" better hurry up cause I really enjoy wearing cute shirts and a lot of times it's not possible. I wonder if I subconsciously always buy black, blue, green and brown shirts. Hmmm? Cause my mind is probably already wired to tell me, "Girl you will fuck up the shirt. Put it down." And there I go putting down the light beige shirt that I really loved...

Pitty Party Bitches!

Yeah, this isn't gonna be a funny one. More like a "I need to bitch about everything and everyone and life" kinda blog. So I don't mind if you stop reading now. So, I'm a very nervous person. People that really know me always tell me to calm the fuck down or I'm gonna make myself sick. By that they mean, I've ended up in the hospital 2x due to panic attacks. NOW, I feel confident enough to control them. Doc's have tried to put me on anti-depressants and shit but I refuse. I don't want to feel like a zombie and not myself. So I try to handle all the crazy shit on my own. This past year has been a tough one. My relationship has been tough, my family is so full of drama, my friends and I are all growing up and growing apart, people are dying, people are getting sick, friends of friends are dying. I mean, this year has been insane! My grandpa only has a few months to live, my godfather only a few days to live, I'm about to lose my fucken job cause I can't concentrate and am behind on every single assignment they've given me for the past month. I'm a hard worker. I have always had very successful jobs. I get promoted quickly and get paid well. But this year, I can't. I can't function or think straight. I come home angry. I bitch at the kids and dogs quickly. I'll refuse to cook dinner. I lost myself somewhere. I miss the old me. I was never so moody or angry or bitchy or such a damn cunt! I wonder when I will be back to ME again cause I sure miss the hell out of ME!

I refuse to believe!

Ok, ok, so here goes what so many people debate about, 2012! I grew up very catholic. Baptized, holy communion, confirmation, todo! BUT now that I am a "big girl" and I can think for myself, my views on religion have shifted quiet dramatically. I still pray but not to a certain "god", more to myself. I still have my son pray and we pray together for our sick grandpa, my sick Nino, for mommy to not go psycho. It's more like we are praying to manifest good thoughts, not praying for an Angel to come down and have our prayers come true. I get shit from a lot of people about it, but damn that Ancient Aliens show LOL! Ok, so anyway, I watched 2012 last night and the thing they show a lot is people praying, asking "god" for help, praying for the world to not end. To me, it's very hypocritical. People bash religion left and right and then pray when shit hits the fan. Shit's gonna hit the fan. No matter how much we pray. In 2012 they show the earthquakes, the water, the catastrophe that's going to happen in minutes!! I don't think it will be EXACTLY like that, or even on 12/21/2012, but it's gonna happen. Faults break, volcano's erupt. The earth needs to flush out the bad and start over again. I'm prepared to accept that "something" will happen soon, but not like the movie portrays it. Cause, we don't really know. What I think 2012 and that other movie with Jake Gynehall, (too lazy to google his name or the movie) is doing, is freaking people out. Dude, I can see cities declaring Marshall Law next year in December. Everyone is gonna go fucken nuts! Look, there isn't shit we can do. There isn't a mountain or building we can climb on and hide. Whatever is gonna happen, we have to accept. I see it as a new beginning. Some will survive, some won't. I don't think it's going to be the one's that are "chosen" by a "god", I think it's gonna be all luck...

Jimmy Blogging on Football!

My BF has a buddy named Jimmy! Cool Cat! Love him and his wife dearly! He is a massive football fan! Don't even talk to him, call him,  or text him when football is on! You will be ignored :-) Well, Jimmy will now be writing on footballnation.com He is probably the biggest Bears fan I know! So read his stuff! He will not disappoint! http://forums.footballnation.com/member.php/200-JimmyChiOso

The Secret Pooper

I always thought boys were gross. Little 2-5 year old boys! Dirty little boys that pick their noses, butts, ears! My son, who is 3 is one of those gross little boys! When he runs up to me with his mouth open saying "I ate it momma", I sometimes don't even want to know what he ate! Usually it's a booger. It's so disgusting! But the funny thing about him is his pooping style. He is a Secret Pooper. Even when he was in diapers, he would go hide, and I knew he was pooping. Now, fully potty trained, he'll sometimes even lock the bathroom door! Which is gross when you are asking him to get up and unlock it! He gets so mad if he knows you are even standing outside the door! He screams for me to "go away" and then screams "all done" when he is done! Now, the reason I think it's weird is cause growing up, my sister and I would always sit in the restroom counter when my mom was pooping! Is that weird? And is it weird that when I visit her and my dad that I'll STILL go in her bathroom to talk to her while she is pooping LOL! But she has one of those big restrooms that the toilet it separate from the sink and tub. So technically she has the door closed but I'm like 2 feet away! haha! I don't think it's weird at all actually! I think it's weird that my BF won't let me in the restroom when he's in there! I'm like, "it's just freaking poop"! That's why we have air fresheners! DUH! So I guess my kid got his pooping manners from his dad, cause he sure as hell didn't get them from me!

Curse of the Tapatio Sauce

So, I'm sitting here in my office "working" as I stare at an almost empty bottle of Tapatio Hot Sauce. And I've realized that I cannot enjoy popcorn, lays, quesadillas, chorizo, or frijoles without Tapatio!! It's probably one of the greatest inventions ever! Especially on popcorn! If you add lime, it's even more magical! I got my 3 year old to eat it that way too. Smart kid! He knows better! ;-) So, at home, we have a debate on what's better. Louisiana Hot Sauce or Tapatio. Seriously, is there even a comparison?? Louisiana hot sauce tastes so disgusting to me! "One drop does it all" my flat ass!! (not a spelling error) It's just nasty! Doesn't even taste hot! But Tapatio, Tapatio does the trick! It makes your tongue tingle. I love it! What's your hot sauce choice?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Is that a question I should be asking myself at 27...almost 28? Already succeeded in becoming a mom...but I don't have a career. I guess it's typical of a Mexican woman that grew up in East L.A. Pop a kid out first, you can worry about a career later! Dammit! I fell right into that trap! I want to be many things, but doesn't mean I can actually do them! Some days I really wanna be a chef. But then I get in my moods where I hate fucken cooking and want to make everyone a damn sandwich. But then I feel bad for the kids and end up cooking. Another damn Mexican thing my mom handed down to me. "A woman belongs in the kitchen". No matter how much my mom worked, she always came home to cook us a hot dinner! I now do the exact same thing!! THEN, I have days where I want to be an Interpreter. I translate so much at work and every job I've had, that I ask myself, "why not get paid to do this". Well, what stops me there is going back to school. I'm still paying off my other damn loans! THEN, I have days where I want to be a Journalist. I just want to write! I like celebrity gossip. But I don't want to be your typical celebrity gossip blogger. I don't need to add pictures or links. I just want to write what I think of certain peeps. Like, how I hate Jersey Shore! :-). THEN, I want to be a Medical Assistant. Another thing that requires school and loans. So I guess I am back to my original question: What do I want to be when I grow up?

My Tattoos

What's the meaning behind your tattoos? That's always the very first question I get asked when people see my tattoos! I used to have an answer to this question, but after the 4th "meaningful tattoo" that I got, I would just say/still do, "JUST BECAUSE"! My very first tattoo that I got was immediatley after my 18th birthday. I still lived at home and I always teased my folks that I would get one and they never believed me. So screw it, I said, "if I don't go now, I'll never go". I called up my cousin Carol, and we drove around Whittier Blvd., I beleive. We found this shop, I told the dude I wanted a Virgo symbol, typical tramp stamp estylo! I waited about 2 weeks until it was completley healed before I showed my mom. She said, "ay penedja, eso es de henna" and I said, "no mom, te lo juro, es un tatuaje", and she took a closer looked and slapped the shit out of my back! As she walked away she said,"Pendeja, aver como te va con tu papa". I giggled :-) I did! I knew I was in the clear with her! Now, just to keep it on the DL around my dad! About 2 months later, I called up Carol again and said, "I want another tattoo, let's go back to that fool"! So we went, and this time I wanted Julius the Monkey by Paul Frank! Ever since I was a kid, I've been called "Changa" cause I'm always hyper and looney! I grew to loving monkeys, still do! So, why not get a monkey tattoo! It symbolizes me! SO I did, on my right side of my tummy! I can't even say I remember that pain for this tat, or the one before that! Maybe that's what keeps me going back to tattoos! I forget the pain! ANYWAY, this particular tattoo has gotten me in a trouble. I tried to hide it so much that his lips got all deformed and shit. So when I moved to Vegas, I had to get him re-done...then I got knocked up and was forced to have a c-section, and well, you can guess what happened to my monkey!
My other meaningful tats are all the birth flowers for my mom, dad, brother, sister and myself! If your born in February, April, November, December or September, Congratulations, your tattooed on my back! Then I got my kids birthdate in Roman Letters on my back. Yes I know I'm not Roman assholes, I just wanted something different! Then I got Bendita Tu Luz over his bday cause I am obsessed with that song! Other then that, my other tattoos don't mean a thing. Once you get one, you get addicted. I still have a level of respect for my folks and I won't get anything on my arms. I am getting close though. Just started getting ink on my ankles! Gotta cut the cord sometime right :-) My dad still hate's them by the way and he'll never accept them, but I love them, I just do!
I bid you a good day!